Not My Soul
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Humanity has always been tested. Conflict and war is the crucible to which we evolve. Every battle makes us stronger. Those who fall will be forgotten. Those that rise up...they live forever in infamy. What better way to be challenge onseself than to enter a world where death rules? What could go wrong? After all, its Not My Soul. Part of the Not Going Home Series! Narutoxharem?
1. If at First

**A/N: Well.**

 **I feel like death warmed over.**

 **I've been working two jobs as of late to pay my medical bills, so I apologize for the lack of updates/stories as its been cutting into my life. As such, this'll be one of the last new stories for a bit until I can get my ducks in a row, so to speak. I'm talking three more at max, between being a beta and lending others story ideas. Now, some of you have said you won't read anymore of my stuff because I keep pumping out new stories and I understand that. Respect it, even. So I thank you all for you patience and give you my solemn word that I'm going to do my level best to keep writing until my body gives out.**

 **I also have an update list for you all!**

 **They are, somewhat, in this order:**

 _Son of the Stag._

 _Empire's Blade._

 _Sage of the Great._

 _I'm Only Human._

 _Die Another Day._

 _God of Ramen._

 _Angels and Demons._

 _Dragon of Eros._

 _Counting Stars._

 _Beyond the Shadows._

 **To name a few! These are the ones closest to having completed chapters atm and I plan to update all my stuff soon! Look forward to it!**

 **Now, onto the importants bits.**

 **If you don't know much about Dark Souls, you're going to be confused here. Vice versa for those of you Dark Souls enthusiasts who know little about a certain blond prankster or the "Not Going Home" series as a whole. The occasional reference to other series abounds, so there's that as well. Don't worry, it doesn't detract from the story too much, but it helps if you know your stuff =D**

 **However!**

 **I've finally found a few hours to write!**

 **Now that we've gotten that out of the way...**

 **HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! PRAISE THE SUN FOR I HAVE DISCOVERED THE GLORY OF DARK SOULS! I've bought up Demon Souls, Dark Souls One, Two, as well as Three! And I'm not ashamed to say that Ponfinite Staminavahn also known as Pontiff Sulyvahn, is currently KICKING MY ASS. His second phase is an absolute bitch to handle on my Pyromancy build. Not only does the old fucker grow WINGS but he summons a fucking stand?! What is this JoJo's Bizarre Adventure or something?!**

 **EDIT: Finally beat the fucker!**

 **I've also done some research and...wow...boss fights aside, Sulyvahn's a real dick! Even though he's from the Painted world!**

 **Don't believe me?**

 **Here be a list!**

 **He:**

 _-Corrupted the Flare Witches by giving them access to the Profaned Flame._

 _-Knowingly gave his outrider knights cursed rings that would turn them into slavering beasts._

 _-Kidnapped the daughter of a royal family, and forced her to serve as a "dancer"._

 _-Inducted said dancer into his outrider knights, gave her the cursed rings, and exiled her._

 _-Accelerated the corruption of the Deacons of the Deep._

 _-Fed Gwyndolin to Aldrich and imprisoned Yorshka (and possibly intended for her to meet Gwyndolin's fate as well)._

 _-Recruited the insane inhabitants of the Profaned Capital to serve as his personal jailers (those filthy, health-draining jailers...)._

 _-Corrupted the Way of White for his own purposes._

 _-Though not explicitly stated, it's implied he was responsible for convincing Prince Lothric to reject his duties and instead watch the First Flame die out._

 **In short, an asshat!**

 **Don't even get me started on the emotion-wrenching lore of the other games! Really good at pulling your hearstrings. Don't even get me started on Sif! I bloody CRIED after I killed him. Then came the DLC which made it all the worse! So many feeeeeeeeeeels! Not to mention Quelaag and her sister! Why didn't I get the Old Witch's ring sooner?!**

 **Really, I think we all knew this was coming.**

 **(Edit) I OWN NO QUOTES OR REFERENCES. I've said this how many times but it seems I forgot to put that in this author's note. Thanks to the one who pointed it out.**

 **Props to Doomfist for the intro, it was really inspiring.**

 **Also, I believe we all know this quote...**

 _"_ _Go back. Forbidden be, these parts. The realm of the creatures of chaos. They accept their banished fate. Go back. Lest the flames devour all, and the children of chaos feed upon your charred ashes. Those who defy the pact... Those who trespass Quelaag's domain... May you feel the depth of our wrath! Ahh, a precious new sacrifice! Forbidden be, these parts. The realm of the creatures of chaos. Go on, go on ahead... Welcome, bringer of meat. The children of chaos are hungry; give yourself to Quelaag's flame!"_

 _~Quelaag._

 **If At First You Don't Succeed, Die, Die Again!**

 _Humanity has always been tested._

 _Conflict and war is the crucible to witch we evolve. Every battle makes us stronger. Those who fall will be forgotten. Those that rise up...there names will be remembered. Forever. Alright, alright, I'm quoting Doomfist, there. But its true! However much we might loathe to admit it, humankind thrives on adversity as a whole. Call it the spirit of competition if you must, a noble quest perhaps, but at the end of the day its all amounts to the same things. We crave a challenge. It doesn't matter how many times we're knocked down; admit it, if someone defeats you it just makes you want to strike back all the harder._

 _That, my friends, is the meaning of life!_

 _To thrive, to strive!_

 _Okay._

 _Alright, might've gotten a bit excited, there. What can I say?! This universe is awesome! There's so much to dooooooo! Gods! Demons! Dragons! Beings of actual divinity! Plenty of cannon fodder, sure, but I'm sure you get my meaning. A_ _aaaaaand then, like a thorn you don't see, the lore catches you by surprise and you feel like a complete and absolute bastard. I should know! I played the game and annihilated anyone who stood in my way without remorse!_

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

 _...well._

 _Fuck **that** first play-through._

 _Now I kinda feel like an asshole._

 _Maybe I shouldn't have rushed through?_

 _No, wait, scratch that, I'm definitely that guy._

 _So to atone for my "sins" I decided to simply jump into the game itself._

 _Hmm, suppose I should put a disclaimer in before I wrap up this journal entry._

 _Ahem!_

 _This story contains all manner of shenanigans including but not limited to as Solaire would say: "Convoluted" time-hops between the realms Dark Souls One, Two and Three, as well as travel to alternate worlds, pranks, tom-foolery, kidnapping favorite characters, bait and switch, saving damsels in distress, good ol' fashioned revenge and all around breaking the world and the occasional bit of lore as a whole. So, if you're the sort who likes to a romping good time, stick around. If you like seeing the bad guys get their due, then you'll be quite satisfied. If you enjoy praising the sun, worship chaos, and delight in disaster, then this is the story for you! If not, well, then I'm sure I'll see you around elsewhere!_

 _Also._

 _I expect to die here._

 _A lot._

 _What?_

 _Why are you looking at me like that?_

 _What fun would this be if I waltzed into this world with god mode on? What merriment could I make if I just shrugged off hits like they're nothing? Tanking impossible blows without losing so much as a speck of health? No, no, no! That wouldn't be fun at all! No challenge! None! Besides, I've been killed plenty of times already and after all, its really Not My Soul anymore at this point. Heh, too many people have a claim to it by now for something like death to stop me. If I get offed, I'll just have to respawn like the rest. And to make things entirely fair I'll take away...hmm...let's say half of my tricks._

 _That's right, I'm deliberately limiting my divine power to a handful of uses, for the sake of fairness._

 _Hey it'll be fun! Gives me a chance to recruit allies, build up my inventory and..._

 _...I'm going to regret this immensely, aren't I?_

 _Oh, and one last tiny little footnote here at the beginning of the end..._

 _I'm sure you're probably wondering whether I'm going to try and save the world here or let it rot. Now w_ _hat kind of question is that dear reader, I ask you? Just who do you take me for? Me? Try to save as many people as I can? Honestly, now..._

 _...of course I'm going to try!_

 _Ah, but first..._

 _...I'm going to see a certain spider._

* * *

 _(...Blight Town...)_

* * *

Quelaag was being hunted.

She knew this in her heart of hearts, felt it in her very bones, sensed it with each step of her many legs, but still found herself powerless to do anything about it. Someone-or something?-was pursuing her yet no matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to shake them. Like a flicker of light in her peripherals, gone when she looked directly at it, so too did her pursuer vanish whenever Quelaag attempted to confront him. Even when presented with the opportunity to strike, they hadn't taken the bait. They'd been trailing her lurking outside her domain for days now, clinging to the shadows, just out of sight. Doubtless, they sought something from her, but what?

To what end?

She knew not.

Regardless, she found herself trapped in this untenable situation, helpless to do anyone as this unknown entity relentlessly chipped away at her defenses.

Today that changed.

Honestly, she wasn't even entirely certain it was a "he" at all, likely just another hapless undead come to harass her for the souls she possessed. But they would not pass. Her sister awaited her in the chamber beyond, frail and helpless as a newborn. No, even an infant possessed more strength in its diminutive body than her sibling did. Worse, Quelaag couldn't bring herself to blame her. Not after the disaster come to be known as the Bed of Chaos. In her kindness she'd sought to ease the suffering of their servants and grown weak and frail as a result. Powerless she may be, but Quelaag was not, and she would not suffer any fool to harm her.

Speaking of fools...

The pounding sound of clanking footsteps claimed her attention, drawing her from her reverie. Again? Persistent, this lot. This would be the fifth attempt in the last hour. Irritated, she directed the massive arachnid that was her lower body toward the entrance of her lair. A stray thought hurled a glob of lava from the beast's maw past her web, sending the sizzling orange orb sailing towards the mouth of the cave with a keening song of fire. Quelaag watched her spell arc across the room with a keen eye, idly counting the seconds until impact.

Her efforts soon bore fruit; for the splash of lava collided headlong with the reckless undead just as he stormed through the fog door.

She liked to imagine terror twisting their features in their last moments, but behind the knight's helm, she couldn't be certain.

Caught unawares and unprepared for this new tactic, the chosen undead didn't even have time to raise their shield.

A short, stifled scream echoed through the chamber then it was done, and all that remained was ashes.

Spying a tiny speck of dark light amidst the remains, Quelaag scuttled forward, seizing it in hand.

Rewarded with the faintest of warmth, she squeezed the small speck, consuming it.

 _Humanity._

For the first time in days the smallest of smiles touched her pale face.

It was her first of the day, but already she felt her mood lifting.

With enough of this she could heal her sister, perhaps even-

 _"I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?"_

The chaos witch started violently as a second voice made itself known behind her.

Even more baffling, he'd spoken in a tongue she actually understood.

Not a moment later, the faintest weight settled against her back.

When had he...?!

Flailing, Quelaag bucked her monstrous body in a wild effort to throw her attacker off. In that at least, she was partially successful. A startled grunt coupled with a muffled thud told her she'd dislodged the intruder, but a searing pain in two of her many legs informed her that her efforts had not been without cost. Scuttling backwards and hissing in quiet pain, the wounded witch rounded on her assailant, sword in hand. What she found there gave her pause, if only for the merest of moments.

By contrast to her last victim, this one appeared absolutely harmless.

A bedraggled mop of blond hair framed a whiskered face from which eyes the color of endless blue skies burned bright. Clad in worn leather armor, with neither shield nor sword to speak of, he looked more a thief than a warrior of any renown. Perhaps not even a thief. His sole concession to the danger he faced was a curved dagger, clutched tight in his off hand and scorched by her blood. Were it not for his steely gaze, she would've run him through right then and there.

As it were, she found herself seriously considering it...

"Wait, wait, wait!" he flung up his hands before she could attack him again, waving the dagger wildly. "Can we talk?! I'd like to talk."

There it was, again.

How was she able to understand him?!

She glimpsed what appeared to be an old ring on his finger, but beyond that

Into the silence the stranger rushed to speak, lest she move to attack him again.

"Well, then!" he began aloud, bowing stiffly. "You didn't gut me, so that's a start, I guess. So! Introductions! I'm Naruto, a wandering god of sorts, you're Quelaag obviously, and damn, you were _not_ easy to find! Speaking of which, do you have any idea how _hard_ it was to get here?" Into Quelaag's baffled silence, he thrust an accusing finger at her, much to the witch's disbelief. "I've been shit on by drakes, stabbed by undead, crushed to death by someone wielding a _fucking dragon tooth_ and set on fucking fire! Don't get me started on the poison! Whose idea was that?! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?! Not fun! I'd chastise you for killing that poor sod, but I have absolutely no idea who that was. _Was_ it a he? Hmm. Couldn't tell under all that armor. Should probably ask Oscar _-hey!"_

"Die, intruder!"

His rambling ended in the same moment her patience evaporated.

Compelled by equal parts instinct as well as fear, Quelaag lurched at the intruder, intending to do unto the stranger as she'd done the last. Hers was a tried and true strategy, one that had yet to fail her against any who were fool enough to trespass. Lunge at him with her sword, douse him with lava as he tried to roll away, crush him with the weight of her lower body. Rinse and repeat.

Instead the unthinkable occurred.

In the blink of an eye his dagger vanished, replaced by a massive zweihander.

"Stop me if you've heard this one before." Naruto beamed as her blade descended on his head. "How many points should you put into strength?"

That same blade caught her initial strike cold, not only weathering the blazing blade but stopping it outright. Too late, Quelaag realized she'd overextended herself in an attempt to finish him; now the shooting waves of pain arcing down the length of her arm prevented her from wresting her weapon away. His smile told her all she needed to know of what came next. Wielding with the mighty weapon as though it weighed no more than a feather, the blond pivoted on his heel and twisted its edge up against her sword in a daring riposte, ripping her flaming weapon from her hands.

"The answer? Fucking _fifty_ of them."

Startled, Quelaag hesitated in her next attack.

It was more than enough.

 _'I've blundered.'_

Wordlessly, Naruto flowed under the lava her spider-half spewed like so much water, neatly darting down and away, leaping up to thrust a hand against her pale face. Fingers splayed; his palm crackled with holy white light and her world shook against the spell, sending her sprawling. Another fist slid between her ribs to stun her and the next thing Quelaag knew her forehead kissed the ground, the dull ache of her now-fractured ribs and a cracked skull punctuated by a pounding migraine as her many legs flailed behind her. Something cold and sharp caressed her throat and her struggles ceased immediately.

"Hey, now." he hissed in her ear, the words a silken purr, vibrating with menace. "Don't go attacking me like that. Might give a man the wrong idea, ya know, and who knows where we would end up? Now, I'm going to let you stand. Try that shit again and I won't be so nice. Blink once if you understand me."

Quelaag blinked.

"Good girl." a gloved hand patted her head, and abruptly, the weight against her throat fell away, allowing her to right herself with a supreme effort. By the time she'd succeeded so, she found her would-be killer sitting cross-legged before her, sipping quietly from an estus flask. After a moment's recovery he finished drinking, stowed the much-bountiful liquid somewhere on his personage, and looked up at her. Oddly enough, his gaze seemed to lack the edge his voice had held mere moments ago.

"I didn't come here to kill you." he declared, wiping his mouth on a leathery sleeve. "Believe it or not, I came here to help you."

Quelaag nearly scoffed before she remembered herself.

...we shall see."

"Oho, she speaks!"

Steeling herself against an outburst, she sighed.

The act of sparing her didn't guarantee her trust. Far from it, this only made the witch all the more suspicious of him. Something so powerful was not so easily given in this day and age, certainly not in a world like this. Shifting her bulk, she positioned herself firmly between him and the stairs leading to the adjacent chamber. If he tried to bolt for the exit or her beloved sister, he wouldn't get far. Or so she chose to believe. If it came to a fight, she was no longer certain of her ability to stop him. She could still feel the edge of his blade like a guillotine against her threat, ready to come down at the slightest provocation.

"So, I'd like to propose an alliance." Naruto ventured, proffering her the estus flask to partake of. "Whaddya say? Not just my sake of course, but your sister, too."

His words gave her pause.

Without her aid, her sister would surely wither away.

"What are your terms?"

Naruto stared at her for a long, baffling moment; then he barked out a laugh.

"Well, damn! And here I thought I'd have to argue with you all day!"

It was actually a rather pleasant sound, all things considered.

Straightening, he wiped a mirthful tear from his eye.

"Sure. I have only one condition."

Quelaag gulped quietly aloud.

"And that would be...?"

The blond simply smiled.

 _"Want your legs back?"_

 **A/N: See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **I'm sure you all know the first one!**

 **(Preview!)**

 _"Why are you looking for the sun in the abyss?!"_

 _"Fuck you!"_

* * *

 _"Oh, you poor unfortunate soul."_

 _The Dancer blinked._

 _She no longer possessed a mind in the conventional sense of the word, but had she, she would have blinked. Still, she retained her instincts and they were screaming at her._

 _RUN._

 _Standing before her in the ruins of the church, the intruder flashed a smile._

 _"Hi!"_

 _His shadow seemed to loom long before her, despite their difference in stature._

One monster to another.

 _She appeared an abomination to some, a towering, lanky being that more closely resembled her master, Pontiff Sulyvahn, than the other beastly armored knights corrupted by him. Human-like only in that she stood upright instead of crawling on all fours, she shambled forward with deceivingly slow steps. The intruder wasn't fooled; the moment she drew her blade he raised a hand. She expected to cut through it with ease, to rend flesh and bone as she did all, only to find her assault stalled._

 _Against a single finger._

 _"Hey, now." the blond drawled. "Is that any way to treat your guest?"_

 _The Dancer lurched at him with a growl, only to yelp as he snapped his fingers._

 _Her world upended; her armor, once bound to her hide, skewed away and she found herself falling._

 _Curious._

 _It took her a handful of seconds to realize she could think again._

 **R &R~!**


	2. Spiders and Fire and Chaos, Oh My!

**A/N: Happy Thanksgiving** **!**

 **And to those of you who don't celebrate it...**

 **...um...well...**

 **...happy updated day!**

 **Back at it again with a nice looooooong chapter!**

 **I'm also pleased to deliver good news! My sister is home safely and she seems to be doing alright after suffering a stroke. Her Catscan (not familiar with the terminology) came back clean, and she's up and talking. Rather loudly at that, thank goodness, haha! She's also starving, which is a good sign considering how small she is. Can't say how much of a relief it is to have her back safe. There doesn't appear to be any lasting damage aside from her being tired. Furthermore, she's speaking properly, and eating normally as well. What's scary is that we don't know what caused it in the first place. There's no sign of whatever caused it so I think I can tentatively say she's alright for now.**

 **Thank you for all the wonderful support!**

 **I'M FINALLY BACK!**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...yeah, its been awhile.**

 **FOR A DAMNED GOOD REASON!**

 **NEW GAME PLUS HAS BEEN KICKING MY ASS!**

 **Also, the title is meant to be a silly, derpy little thing.**

 **Its always good to have a bit of laughter in these dark times, no?**

 **Also! Since the "Fair Lady" was never given a proper name, we're going with Quelan.**

 **Yes, yes, I know its dangerously close to Quela _na_ but there's nothing else to be done about it.**

 **We're certainly not going to call her the Fair Lady for the entirety of this story now, are we? Nope!**

 **So there we are.**

 **To clarify, Naruto isn't an almighty OP god in this story. He's deliberately handicapped himself to a startling degree for the sake of his own goals. Yes he has a degree of power far and beyond the ken of most sorcerors-not to mention he's snarky as all hell-but if someone say, I don't know, LAUTREC for example, dies at his hand or to a beast, that's it. They're dead and gone. I know, I know, but its the reality of things. Don't expect our favorite blond to go raising them from the dead anytime soon.**

 **Speaking of bad and soon-to-be-dead guys, fuck LAUTREC, fuck PETRUS, and fuck PATCHES.**

 **Not neccessarily in that order, but you get the picture.**

 **Meaning if someone dies here...**

 **...well...**

 **Bit of a risk there, 'innit?**

 **One last thing, if any of you are looking for a PURE Dark Souls story, go read "Breaking the Cycle by theseeker46. Yes, that's a shameless plug right there. Bloody brilliant bastard, that one. He wrote a wonderful story that I only discovered recently and well...its phenomenal to say the least. Its a long, enjoyable, yet simultaneously heartbreaking piece of literature, that's absolutely grand and an inspiration to anyone longing to write a Dark Souls story of their own.**

 **Its served as a great inspiration to me!**

 **Now then...**

 **PRAISE THE SUN!**

 _"I...don't know whether to kill you or kiss you."_

 _"The latter, please. Dying sucks."_

 _~?_

 **Spiders and Fire and Chaos, Oh My!**

 _Dear journal,_

 _Hope is like a spark._

 _The tiniest flicker in the dark can ignite an unstoppable flame; a fire that burns bright in your heart and drives away the shadow. Though it may flicker at times, perhaps even fade in the face of adversity, it is always there to spur us on. Hope drives us. Inspires us. Saves us. A wise old man once told me that to_ _live without hope in your heart is to live without a soul. That's what hope is to humanity. The belief that things can-WILL-be better someday, that_ _Out of difficulties grow miracles. Out of miracles come the impossible. In turn, the impossible becomes possible._

 _In the end, hope is really all we have._

 _You just need that one, tiny spark._

 _It can come from anyone._

 _Anything._

 _Even a wayward god who lost his way._

 _Hope's funny like that; because it inspires you._

 _It can even change the fate of entire worlds, galaxies, universes._

 _An act of kindness here, a bit of mercy there, a jolt of decisiveness where you least expect, and who knows where we'll all end up? Sometimes its the smallest change that alters things. A ripple in the pond. Other times its a great wave, rolling over the world, sweeping all before it. Me? I've already changed things by sparing Quelaag. But will that change prove for the better or the worst? By not killing her, did I unwittingly set into motion a series of events that will destroy everything?_

 _Does it matter?_

 _Hmm._

 _I wonder what that says about my mental state when I prioritize the happiness of the few over the many? Who knows? I like to think I provided Quelaag with hope when I gave her back her legs._ _The hope that tomorrow will be better._ _When the world says give up?_ _Hope says try it one more time. When the world shuns you? Dare to hope that might not be true._

 _For like a spark..._

 _...hope drives away death and the dark._

 _What do we say to death?_

 _NOT TODAY!_

* * *

 _(...Blight Town...)_

* * *

Quelaag stumbled.

 _"Gods damn it!"_

Again.

A very unladylike oath exploded from her lips as her legs buckled beneath her like flimsy driftwood and she collapsed. Flailing for balance and finding none, her arms pinwheeled wildly as she fought to keep from crashing to the floor. To say that she failed would be an understatement. Of course she failed. _Quelaag failed spectacularly._ Bereft of balance, she toppled backwards and landed hard on her rear with a solid thud, causing her robe to flare in the abrupt breeze following her short-lived tumble. Part of her was suddenly and intensely grateful she'd been given the cloth to preserver her modesty at all. The rest...

 _"Ha!"_

A short, sharp bark of laughter echoed across the cavern, rolling loud and long in the confines of her domain.

"You know, no matter how many times I see that, I never get used to it." Naruto chastised her from his perch at the cavern's mouth. "I keep telling you, one foot in front of the other. Like the song, ya know? You won't be able to run until you can walk." gentle blue eyes flicked back to her legs. "Sure you don't want my help? I can stop writing in this thing and give you a hand, ya know."

Quelaag bristled.

Bad enough that she'd submitted to the clothes he'd given her, but this?

"I do _not."_ she replied stiffly. "I can do this alone."

The blond arched a slender brow.

"Gravity would disagree."

 _"Aaargh!"_

She tried to stand once more, made it all of two steps, and collapsed again.

Somehow, she managed to catch herself against the wall.

"Good!" Naruto's voice boomed, slightly warped by the distance. "You're getting the hang of it."

Was that bastard actually clapping?!

"Bite me." she growled.

 _"Ohohoho!"_

Palming his journal, the wayward blond laughed and shoved the worn leather tome into his pouch. It was almost amusing to see the same woman who'd nearly gutted him now stumbling about like a newborn. Bereft of her many legs and a good portion of her power, Quelaag found herself forced to recall the not-so-simple art of walking on her own power once again. To be fair he would've helped her by now, but Quelaag possessed a warrior's spirit and pride. She was wholly determined to do everything herself. The first time he'd tried, she stuck him with her sword.

Ever had a burning blade thrust through your innards?

No?

Its not pleasant.

When Quelaag finally fell for the third time, he decided to intervene, blade or not.

"No, no, no!" Propping himself up against his zweihander, the blond wiped a bead of sweat from his brow and stood. "You're doing it all wrong! Wasting stamina!"

Mortal or not, separating her from the Spider had been...tiring for him. Inordinately so. The power of Chaos was not a force so easy trifled with, let alone stifled. Even by one of its own. It wasn't a matter of merely taking her out of the spider, no, he'd had to reconstruct Quelaag's lower body completely; organs and muscles and bone and skin all, even as he tore her from the raging beast. He'd then had to _kill_ said spider to prevent it from going on a rampage or worse, attempting to fuse with the witch again. Unpleasant work, that.

It would be some time before he could attempt such a procedure on her dear, frail sister.

Assuming Quelaag ever allowed them to meet.

Such a protective one, she was!

"Come no closer!"

He'd barely managed seven steps before Quelaag proved his point as she was often wont to do; rounding on him with a near feral hiss, the act sending her dark hair swirling around her head like a halo. Eyes the color of blood narrowed upon, angry slits boring murderously into his very soul. But it wasn't anger he saw in those eyes. It was determination. Despite his earlier statement, she was determined to stand on her own. To protect her sister in the chamber beyond. She'd give her all, if it meant protecting her family. Ah. Now there was a fire that would never go out. Hmm. Somehow it made her even more beautiful.

Wait.

Where had _that_ thought come from?

Blinking the distracting notion away, Naruto stormed to warrior-witch's side and attempted to help her stand.

A task that was made somewhat more difficult when the Chaos Witch bit him.

Sharp teeth sank deep.

 _Hard._

Naruto felt a strange sucking sensation emanate from the limb before he realized she'd inadvertently stolen some of his souls.

And half his Humanity to boot!

"Why you little-!" the warrior hissed, waving his bloodied hand about like a flail. "No biting! If I'd wanted to kill you I would've done it by now. Besides, we made a deal, remember? A deal that does _not_ involve biting! Bad Quelaag!"

A low hiss was her sole concession.

"So are you going to let me help you or...?"

...watch your hands, human, lest I gut you." she warned.

Gingerly he hooked one hand beneath her arm, followed by the other. Quelaag tensed at the contact, but relented as he helped her to her feet. Remarkably, the witch found that her strength had indeed returned. Her legs, though weak still, no longer folded beneath her when she stood. Indeed, she felt far better now than she had in age. But why? Did it have something to do with this infernal blond? He hadn't cast any healing art on her; he seemed too preoccupied with helping her to cast any such miracle, assuming he could. So why did she suddenly-oh. The realization swept over her like a river of fire and she hung her head in embarrassment.

The blood.

In her anger, she'd bitten him.

And in doing so, perhaps siphoned a small bit of his power.

A small, dismayed laugh escaped her lips before she could stop. Stupid girl! Foolish girl! How long had it been since she'd truly had a proper meal?! And she'd imbibed the blood and souls of this buffoon?!

"Of course." she muttered blackly. "That's just perfect."

Naruto, mistaking her laughter for madness, only sighed.

"Why do I always get the crazy ones?"

Just like that, Quelaag's brief bout of madness dashed itself against the rocks of annoyance.

 _"What was that?"_

"Nothing."

Unwilling to let the matter drop, the witch summoned her sword and thrust it up beneath his chin. To her dismay her patron didn't bat so much as an eyelash, even as the horizontal line of her weapon threatened to open his jugular and spill blood and souls alike. Seizing hold of his leather armor with the other, she gave the infuriating man a good, hard shake.

"You _will_ give me armor once I recover." it was not a question, but a demand. "These paltry robes do not suit me."

"Aw, does the princess want a crown, too?"

"I'll gut you!"

"As I said, sure thing, Red." his hand wrapped around her blade, forcing it down. "Whatever you say."

"Red?"

"What can I say?" the blond shrugged. "You strike me as a Red _aaaaaaaand_ _gettingdizzy."_

An unexpected wave of dizziness ripped through him before he could finish, causing him to stagger and plant his massive sword into the ground to steady himself. After a fleeting moment of uncertainty the nausea passed, replaced by a faint sense of vertigo. Right, then. Where the hell had that come from? Oh. Right. Miss-bites-a-lot.

Remarkably, Quelaag didn't mock him for it.

"Are you unwell?" she ventured hesitantly. "You've gone pale."

"Nah, I'm fine." he groused. "Just a bit drained because you decided to _fucking bite me,_ is all. But to answer your earlier question, no, I have absolutely no intention of harming your sister; nor do I have any interest in the Chosen Undead." the blond dismissed her accusations with an errant wave of a hand. "Let them flail about all they like. Let them try to ring the second bell, for all the good it does them. They'll likely be running around Izalith and getting themselves killed for days, yet. Plenty of time for my little scheme. Well," he paused, considering her. "Suppose its our scheme, now."

Belatedly it occurred to Quelaag that she _didn't_ understand him.

His goals.

His desires.

His motivations.

"Pray tell, what scheme is that?"

"Why," Her ally flashed a roguish grin, "To break the cycle, of course."

Well!

He _was_ mad.

Absolute, completely, raving mad.

As if sensing that very thought, his gaze snapped towards her.

"Am I now?" Naruto frowned and for an instant, Quelaag glimpsed something dark in those pleasant blue eyes. "Tell me witch, is it mad to want justice? To seek redemption? I've seen darkness and deceit triumph one too many times in this land. The wicked flourish. The innocent? They die. And for what? Round and round the cycle goes, with no one the wiser. Death. Fire. Rebirth. Sometimes its the other way around. A Dark Lord rises, but in the end he fails too and someone lights the fire. Which brings about death and inevitably, rebirth. On and on it goes. Tell me, how many times have you died? Are you even aware of it? Well, no more. Not _one more._ So I'm going to change things. This seemed like a good place to start."

What nonsense was this?

Did he truly think he could do such a thing?

"Better men than you have tried." she told him as much. "You'll fail. Like all the rest."

To her dismay, Naruto actually laughed.

"Oh, my dear Quelaag." A hand cupped her chin, idly caressing her face. "Pardon the turn of phrase, but _you ain't never had a friend like me._ Now then!" He clapped his hands abruptly, causing her to start. "Have you ever considered that I might _not_ be your enemy? Hmm? Think on that for a minute.

Quelaag tilted her head.

In all honesty, she hadn't considered it.

Why was he here? What did he possibly hope to accomplish by giving her back her legs or even her powers? Was it pity that motivated him, or something more? She wanted to know; no, she _needed_ to know. If there was even the slightest possibility that he might be able to help poor Quelan...whatever the risk...

She had to take it.

"Suppose I believe you." she began slowly, disentangling herself from him. "What would you have me do?"

"First we need to get you some better gear and level you up-

Instead of finishing, Naruto paused.

Frowning, he cocked his head.

He sensed something.

A presence.

"Ah." he said to no one in particular. "So _that's_ where you were. Change of plants. There's someone I'd like you to meet, Red. A family reunion, of sorts."

"I beg your pardooo _ooooooon?!"_

The rest of her sentence-and a great deal of her senses besides!-dissolved into a strangled shriek as the blond abruptly darted forward and seized her by the waist. Then, in a single smooth movement he spun her around and swept her up onto his back. She scarcely had time to form a protest, much less voice them before the blond crouched. With a grunt, he gathered his legs beneath him and _leaped_ in rapid succession them hurtling off the ground and toward the entrance at breakneck speed. For a fleeting heartbeat, Quelaag feared her neck truly _would_ break. It was all she could do just to cling to his back, her arms locked around his neck and even her newfound strength threatened to wane entirely against the sheer velocity.

Thankfully, a third and final leap brought them to their destination, upon which Naruto sketched an elaborate bow.

By some miracle, they'd found solid ground again. Not only that, but somehow.

"AHA! There you are, Quelana! Nice 'ta finally meetcha!"

The hooded woman in question raised her head...

...and time stood still for Quelaag.

No. This...impossible.

Was it not?

"Hmm. A mere Undead, yet you can see me?" she paused then, her deep green eyes quietly considering him, apparently unaware of her presence on his back. "Fascinating. I am Quelana of Izalith. I am not often revealed to walkers of flesh. You have a gift. Are you one who seeks my-

"Alright, let me stop you there." the blond interjected forcefully, rolling his shoulders. "Yes to the Pyromancy, but I've _also_ brought you a gift. Say hello to your big sister."

A light, disbelieving laugh arose from the hooded woman.

"I'm sorry, what...?"

That was all she managed before Quelaag seized her younger sibling in a flying tackle.

 **A/N: See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **I'm sure you all know the first one!**

 **Next chapter has a HUGE chunk of it devoted to a certain someone...**

 **(Possible Previews!)**

 _"Who art thou? One of us thou art not."_

 _"Well, aren't you just adorable~!_

 _The scythe found his throat._

 _"I...beg your pardon?"_

 _"Um, could you not?" Naruto tilted his head, uncaring of the smooth edge biting into his jugular. "Solaire and I had to aggro a LOT of enemies just to make it here in one piece and I'd rather not have to do it all over again, ya know? 'Sides, I'm not here to fight. But I'm not going to just "plunge down the plank" as you'd say, either."_

 _Despite her best efforts, Priscilla felt a muscle jump in her jaw._

 _"Then thou art truly a fool."_

 _"Perhaps." the blond made no effort to stand, in fact, he kept right on sitting. "But life's no fun without a bit of laughter now, 'innit? Now, maybe you could put that scythe down and we can talk?"_

 _He patted the ground beside him gently for emphasis._

 _Priscilla held his stare for a long moment._

 _Then, incredibly, she relented._

 _...very well."_

 _Looking back, she couldn't explain it; there was just something...trustworthy about him._

 _Her shoulders slumped ever so slightly; the great scythe leaving his neck. If he felt relief, the intruder didn't show it. She tucked both legs beneath her and sat, mirroring him. She flinched only slightly when the whiskered warrior extended his hands and conjured up a small orb of flame between them. Warily, she laid her scythe down well within arms reach, just in case he should strike at her. Of course she remained confident in her ability to dispatch him without discourse, but one could never be too careful._

 _"Tell me then," she ventured, "What dost thou want?"_

 _The blond beamed._

 _"Everything."_

* * *

 _"Ooomph!"_

 _The sorcerer grunted in surprise as the blunt catalyst descended mercilessly upon his head._

 _"Bad Logan! Bad! No going hollow, you hear me?!"_

 _Quelaag palmed her face._

 _"Here we go..._

* * *

 _"Fuck the cycle."_

 _Frampt actually blinked._

 ** _"I...beg your pardon...?"_**

* * *

 _Artorias groaned._

 _"You must...kill me..._

 _"Fuck, that! You're a bloody legend!"_

* * *

 _Quelana paused at the threshold, considered the Knight of Thorns._

 _Though his face lay hidden behind his prickly helm, the man's posture was unmistakable. His barbed blade lay at his feet as though he'd cast it down, his armored hands biting deeply into his greaves. He must've been waiting near the lift when Naruto worked his magic-now there was a question that needed answering-on her dear sister and freed her from the chaos. He must've seen everything. The way she threw herself at him. The laughter. The tears. She didn't blame the poor man for being morose. All that work he'd done. All the humanity he'd gathered. Now for naught._

 _Helm or not._

 _She knew that expression._

 _It was the look of a broken heart._

 _In another life, she might have taken his side._

 _But that power...no. She'd made her choice long ago._

 _Naruto's ability...it could fix everything. It could restore Izalith._

 _No, not just Izalith. Perhaps...perhaps, perhaps it could even restore..._

 **R &R~!**


	3. Getting Some Tail

**A/N: HELLO EVERYONE! Happy HOLIDAYS TO ALL!**

 **And to those of you who don't celebrate it...**

 **...or haven't celebrated it yet...**

 **...um...well...**

 **...happy update day!**

 **Moving on!**

 **Okay, so Net Neutrality.**

 **I've been following the debate on it these last few days and guys...its not looking good.**

 **Honestly, if those assholes at the FCC pass it we might seriously lose this site altogether.**

 **Yeah, its that serious.**

 **Well I won't stand for it!**

 **I'm not going to be hemmed into paying WAY MORE for my internet when I'm barely scraping by with things as is. I just can't. The internet is part of what many of us do for a living, both job-wise and for writing here on this site and there's no way in hell I can afford it if-WHEN!-prices inevitably soar as a result of Net Neutrality being destroyed.**

 **So, what should we do?**

 **Now, I'm not calling for violence by any means, but I think we can all-mostly-agree that Ajit Pai needs to be stopped, i.e. made to see the light before its too late. By what RIGHT does that former-Verizon-bastard-lawyer think he can simply upend a free and open internet just to make money for himself?!** **Worse, the little shit is all but LYING about it to our faces and basically conducting a misinformation campaign against those who disagree with him!**

 **We've got to stop this before its too late!**

 **THE DEADLINE IS DECEMBER 14TH!**

 **That's SIX days, people!**

 **Make yourself heard!**

 **Contact your congressman!**

 **Contact the FCC!**

 **STOP!**

 **THEM!**

 **Now, onto the rest of the note.**

 **Anyhow.**

 **Back at it again with a nice looooooong chapter!**

 **I'M FINALLY BACK!**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...yeah, its been awhile.**

 **FOR A DAMNED GOOD REASON!**

 **NEW GAME PLUS HAS BEEN KICKING MY ASS!**

 **Also, the title is meant to be a silly, derpy little thing.**

 **Its always good to have a bit of laughter in these dark times, no?**

 **One last thing, if any of you are looking for another PURE Dark Souls story, go read "** **Why can't I just take the ring after I fight Artorias?** **by Gensh. Yes, that's a shameless plug right there. Bloody brilliant bastard, that one. He wrote a wonderful story that I only discovered recently and well...its phenomenal to say the least. Its a long, enjoyable, yet simultaneously funny piece of literature, that's absolutely grand and an inspiration to anyone longing to write a Dark Souls story of their own.**

 **Its served as a great inspiration to me!**

 **Now then...**

 **Away we go!**

 **Ciao~!**

 **And once more...**

 **...HAIL TO THE TAIL~!**

 **Also, its implied that Naruto, thanks to his ridiculous power, can change his size at will. He's already tall when holding himself back, but when doesn't bother to "restrain" himself he's a good several feet taller.** **It takes a conscious effort mind, and its not something he can pull off in battle or at a moment's notice, but still.**

 **This chapter, like a certain crossbreed, is extra fluffy and all sorts of sweet.**

 **If you don't like that, then by all means, feel free to move on.**

 **Just putting it out there, in case anyone gets confused.**

 **Priscilla's about to be~!**

 _"Praise the Sun!"_

 _"Pssh, screw that! Praise the Tail!"_

 _"MUST YOU?!"_

 _"Always!"_

 _~?_

 **Getting Some Tail**

 _The fog wall stirred._

Rippling waves of movement spread across the towering barrier that served as the Painted World's last line of defense, its final barrier slowly parting now as a lone figure pushed their through its mist. Though the fog wall shuddered and shook against the shadow, it did not deny them entry. For a moment she almost hoped it would. Alas, it was not to be. To do so would have gone against its purpose, the very reason for its creations. Thus, with a final lingering sigh the haze yielded and made way for the dogged contender.

 _"Ow!"_

...such had been the warden's thought until she heard them yelp.

Roused from her slumber by the abrupt scrape of steel against stone, _Priscilla_ reluctantly opened her eyes and raised her gaze to greet the intruder slowly striding their way through. _My, but he was large._ Taller than most in fact. Almost impossibly so. Though the entrance was imposing indeed he still had to physically crouch to enter the room and even then his head threatened to scrape the archway and knock his helmet askew. His armor- if one could call it such-consisted of varying pieces with seemingly no order whatsoever, all gold and silver and blue, the ungainly ensemble completed by a tattered crimson cape hung over his shoulders, stirring slightly in the breeze of his passing.

Upon seeing her, he ceased clutching his head and raised an hand in greeting.

 _"Well, aren't you just adorable~!"_ a merry voice rumbled within the helm. "Sorry about all ruckus, by the way. Did I wake you?"

 _...what?'_

Despite her trepidation, the crossbreed caught herself tentatively returning the gesture before she mastered her voice. By then the armored warrior had drawn most close indeed, pausing just within arms reach. He made no move to reach for her however and for this, Priscilla remained quietly grateful. Hers was a fell power and scythe aside, she feared what the Lifehunt might do if she were to actually touch someone. Still...

T'was a strange thing indeed to look _up_ at someone.

It was truly an enlightening experience all things considered.

"Who art thou?" Priscilla ventured, when the silence grew too grave for her to bear.

"Who, me? I'm a nobody." the armored man rumbled a laugh and sketched a deep bow. "Ordinarily I'd claim to be a prophet of some sort, but I believe someone named _Lex_ holds the rights to that title in this realm. Just think of me as your friendly neighborhood deity masquerading as an Undead, come to make amends for past mistakes. Or something like that."

Priscilla blinked.

How odd.

This felt almost...familiar.

"Hast we met...?"

"Well," he exhaled in a long suffering sigh, and she thought she heard a scowl lurking in his words. "In a sense. Though you'd not remember. But hey, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll take the helmet off. Thing looks damn scary, I know."

As she looked on he palmed the burning helm that concealed his visage and cast it aside.

It crashed to the dirt with a hearty clunk.

"Better?"

As she looked on he turned his head, bringing himself into the light. Revealed were a pair of gentle blue eyes framed by whiskered cheeks and brilliant blond hair the color of the sun. It was a young face, yet an old one for the weight carried in his sapphire gaze. A trio of long, pale, jagged scars ran lengthwise across the brow of his nose and bit into the right side of his cheek, as though someone-or something- had taken a claw or a series of razor sharp blade to his visage. It was something of a miracle that he retained sight in those pale azure orbs at all.

Her expression must have been telling indeed, for the self-proclaimed deity bulled on regardless.

"So I know this is going to sound odd, but would you mind if I erm...ah, fuck it. Can I pet your tail?"

Reflexively, the hybrid curled the slender appendage beneath her dress.

"My...tail?"

The knight laughed.

"Yeah. Its so damn fluffy!"

"I would not call my hideous form such...

"Ha!" A disbelieving laugh burst out of the helm, momentarily startling her. "Well that's bullshit. Millions of Dark Souls fans would _kill_ to stand where I am now, basking in your beauty. So?" He tilted his head like a curious fox, his expression entreating? "Can I?"

 _Meep._

That remark aside, Priscilla felt her face begin to grow warm indeed.

Most treated her hideous-in her eyes-form with disgust and revulsion. Yet this stranger openly proclaimed her beautiful. Strange. Even her lord father in his twisted madness had not called her such. Nor had mother. Ever had she been ostracized, until she finally sought refuge here in the painted world. She had been smaller then, not the towering demigod that stood here today. She'd long since resigned herself to living out the rest of her days here. And yet. To have someone so blatantly defy such hatred for no reason nearly brought the poor girl to the verge of tears.

"Oh, I get it." the blond's sudden declaration cut into her reverie like a warm ray of sunshine. "It has something to do with that Lifehunt of yours, right? Here, let me-

When the blond made to reach for her hand, however, an ancient dread stirred deep within Priscilla's heart.

"Do not touch mine flesh!" she panicked, jerking her sleeve away. "My power will-

"Just relax. I'm not going to hurt you."

An un-gloved hand effortlessly bypassed her frantics attempts to deflect him and found her hand within the thick fabric. Rough, yet warm fingers twined within hers and Priscilla braced herself for the inevitable scream that would follow as her power lashed out to steal his very life force away...

...bothing happened.

The interloper didn't drop dead, didn't wither.

He simply held her hand.

"See?" he beamed. "I'm not that easy to kill."

"Who...

Distracted as she was, she nearly failed to notice a much _smaller_ man emerging from the swirling fog behind the towering titan. It was impossible to miss that crown however. Bandages swathed his skull rising in a sordid and profane crown that looked to be more cloth than metal, a loose whip coiled in hand. Still, there could be no mistaking that resplendent albeit bloody armor. She'd seen that very set before but always from a distance, and as an ethereal phantom, seldom in the flesh as its owner stood now. The very sight of him made her tail twitch in agitation, her pleasant thoughts falling to the wayside.

Ah.

The Xanthous King.

"Lord Naruto," a deep, resonant voice issued forth within the bandages that concealed the man's face, "Why do you tarry here? Should we not dispatch of this beast and move on?"

Naruto swore.

"Idiot! We're not here to-

Too late.

Priscilla had already come to a wrongfooted conclusion of her own.

Another Undead, come to disturb her rest.

The large one must be a companion of his, then!

And to think she'd almost dared to believe otherwise.

As if sensing the turn in her thoughts, her companion palmed his face.

"Fuck's sake!" the blond groaned. "I told you to wait outside with Tarkus! Now look what you've done!"

Wearily, Priscilla jerked her hand away from his and readied her weapon-and her soul-for battle.

"I say again, who art thou?" So speaking, the spurned crossbreed drove all unease from her voice and willed herself to face the unlikely duo. Her resonant voice bellied a quiet quivering over her hands as she readied her weapon, hefting her scythe so that it might be seen and thus frighten away the intruder before battle lines could be drawn. "One of us thou art not." she continued, watching the two men intently for any sign of untoward violence. "If thou hast misstepped into this world, plunge down the plank and hurry home. If thou seekest I, thine desires shall be requited not. This land is peaceful, its inhabitants kind but thou dost not belong-

 _"Cut the crap."_

The titan's abrupt declaration caught Priscilla utterly off guard.

Flummoxed, she managed a startled blink.

"I...beg your pardon?"

"I call bullshit!" The large man's rusted helm tilted aside in silent condemnation and he thrust a finger at her. "I know you heard me. Don't pretend otherwise. Now before you overreact and start swinging that scythe like a madwoman, know that we didn't come here to fight you _-ACK?!"_

For all his appearances, the armored warrior was deceptively fast.

An armed vambrace thrust itself forward when she swiped at him with her scythe, the metal within yielding only slightly to the biting power of the Lifehunt.

"Will you stop?!" he hissed. "I want to talk!"

Priscillia spun and slammed the talon on the butt of her scythe into his unprotected head.

An annoyed grunt was the Undead's sole concession to the grievous glow.

"I don't want to fight you," he growled. "But if you keep this up...

A lone eye burned red.

 _ **"You'll die."**_

Something in that gaze stole Priscilla's courage and sapped her of her strength.

She jerked back as though scalded.

"Speak, then."

"Yeah, it wasn't fun getting here, let me tell you." the blond groused. "Do you have any idea how many _bosses_ I had to skip?! Well," he paused, cocking his head in an oddly fox-like manner, "I say skip because I'm not aiming for a genocide-run this time around, but still! I had to climb that bloody wall with bare hands! Also! This land is peaceful, its inhabitants kind?!" his voice rose an octave in a rather indignant shout. "Have you gone outside?! Have you SEEN those skeleton wheels or the crows?! The bodies on pikes?! Unfriendliest bastards I'd ever seen! Don't get me started about the dragon!"

Beside him, his companion tensed.

"This discussion leads nowhere." Once more that slightly muffled voice issued forth from the bandages." Let us dispatch of this monster and be done with it."

Despite herself, Priscilla tensed at the word monster.

Ah, yes.

Such was the world's view of her. An abomination. A creature to be shunned for her power and heritage alike, locked away from the world in exile. What did he know of the torment she'd suffered? And what of Naruto and all that he'd said? His honeyed words could well be a trap, just waiting to be sprung. No, she could not trust him, she dare not-

"That's enough out of you! Wait for us outside!"

 _"My liege?!"_

Once more, Naruto startled her; this time by turning on an ally. As she looked on the blond seized Jeremiah in a hand and spun about like a mad top. Pivoting in place, he launched the Xanthous King over the plank. A strangled squawk issued forth from the the man's bandaged visage as he sailed through the air, an angry oath swallowed up by the shadow as the wayward ruler returned to the real world. His task completed, the self-proclaimed deity gave a satisfied snort and clapped his hands of unseen dust.

"See?" Naruto turned to face her, hands raised in submission. "I'm on your side-

The scythe found his throat before he could complete the motion.

"What dost thou want? Speaketh thy intentions!"

"Erm, I kinda already did? And, um, could you not cut my head off, ya know?" Naruto tilted his head, uncaring of the smooth edge biting into his jugular. "'Ol Jeremiah and I had to aggro a LOT of enemies just to make it here in one piece, not to mention the work we put poor Tarkus through. All the same, I'd rather not have to do it again, ya know? 'Sides, I already said time and again, I'm not here to fight. But I'm not gonna "plunge down the plank" as you'd say, either. So here's what I _am_ going to do."

Grinning, he tucked both legs beneath him and lay down.

 _"I'm gonna sit."_

Despite her best efforts, Priscilla felt a muscle jump in her jaw.

What manner of madness was this?

"Then thou art truly a fool."

"Perhaps." the blond made no effort to stand, rather, he maintained his _seiza_ position. "But life's no fun without a bit of laughter now, 'innit? Now, maybe you could put that scythe down and we can talk? Really, that's all I came here for. Well, that and to pet your tail. Really." he raised his hand and made a show of disarming himself, dropping his towering weapons into the dirt. "I mean you no harm. I swear on the log."

The wall of Priscilla's resolve trembled.

"How can I trust thee?"

 _Quivered._

Naruto cast a sidelong look at her.

"That's your decision, not mine. But for what its worth, I know what is like to be shunned for something you have no control over, ya know. Go ahead. Cut my head off if you like." blue eyes bored into her grey in steadfast resolve. "I'll come right back and sit down again until you believe me. No matter how many times it takes."

"Even if I slay thee a thousand times?" she scowled, feeling another brick tumble loose.

"Then I'll just have to return for a million more, I suppose." he shrugged.

He patted the ground beside him gently for emphasis.

"So? Can we talk?"

With that, the last brick in her wall of resistance finally crumbled.

Slowly, reluctantly, she relented.

...very well."

Looking back, she couldn't explain it; there was just something...trustworthy about him.

Her shoulders slumped ever so slightly; the great scythe leaving his neck. If he felt relief, the intruder didn't show it. She tucked both legs beneath her and sat, mirroring him. She flinched only slightly when the whiskered warrior extended his hands and conjured up a small orb of flame between them. Warily, she laid her scythe down well within arms reach, just in case he should strike at her. Of course she remained confident in her ability to dispatch him without discourse, but one could never be too careful.

"Tell me then," she ventured, "What dost thou want?"

The blond beamed.

"Everything." the whiskered warrior declared happily, spreading his arms as if he planned to embrace the very void itself. "Well," he amended at her baffled expression, "I'd REALLY like you to help me conquer Anor Londo. Smough and Ornstein are a pain in the ass and I kinda wanna take the latter alive before I try messing with the Abyss. But first and foremost? I want a waifu."

The crossbreed tilted her head like a lost puppy.

"Pray tell, what is a _waifu?"_

 **A/N: I had a blast writing Priscilla, and thanks to those who helped me! You all know who you are! This chapter was focused more on her than most, but we'll finally get some world-building as well as some character focused bits as of next chapter. Especially when one considers poor Tarkus was originally meant to perish in Anor Londo. Not today, I say! Narut may hop around a bit during his travels, but he certainly enjoys the chaos it causes.**

 **So let's clarify!**

 **The "Original" Naruto left Blighttown after reuniting Quelaag with her sister. Don't worry, he'll be headed back there sooner than you think. By his own words he all but "skipped" the Iron Golem for reasons unknown, though he'll return to deal with him as well. At present he hasn't gotten very far in Anor Londo, hence why he's working so hard to recruit allies.**

 **Naruto's "party" presently consists of:**

 **The Xanthous King Jeremiah.**

 **Priscilla the Crossbreed.**

 **Black Iron Tarkus.**

 **Y'know, I kinda feel bad for Ornstein and Smough...**

 **See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **I'm sure you all know the first one!**

 **Next chapter has a HUGE chunk of it devoted to a certain someone...**

 **(Possible Previews!)**

 _"Sorry, I'm afraid this is the end for me-URK?!"_

 _"Shut up and drink your damn Estus!"_

* * *

 _"T'was a fool and nothing more-_

 ** _"TRAINING BEGINS NOW!_**

 _A pair of clenched knuckles thundered into the side of Ornstein's unprepared visage from the side, denting his mighty helm and all but flinging him across the room as though he weighed no more than a rag doll. Smough caught little more than a startled gurgle before his old partner caromed off a nearby pillar and found himself witness to the rare sight of the legendary dragonslayer lying prone upon the floor. Wide eyes turned back to the supposedly "crushed" soul that they'd dispatched only moments ago._

 _"Where art thou looking?!"_

 _Then it was his turn to fly as Prisclla's sctyhe batted him across the floor like a mere fly._

 _"You weren't ready."_

 _Beckoning, the Undead deity settled into an unarmed stance._

 _Whole and intact, he beckoned them forwards._

 _"To quote a legend...come get some."_

* * *

 _Hefting the gargantuan blade, he drove it against the ground._

 _Once._

 _Twice._

 _Thrice._

 _With each strike a long, mournful note echoed into the empty courtyard, each ringing louder than the last. Like a great bell, deafening all who went before it. He struck again and the hollow note reverberated deep into the night, its keening echo rising over the waning light of the moon. A sixth and final strike shook the very heavens themselves._

 _Inhaling deeply, he shouted into the raging storm:_

 _"I seek the Nameless King! He who was forgotten! He who was forsaken! Harken to me!"_

 _As though awaiting that very challenge, the clouds shifted._

 _A nameless shadow descended on ancient wings._

 ** _"WHO DARES SUMMON ME?!"_**

 _Naruto looked up._

 _Up again._

 _And up._

 ** _Up._**

 _"Well damn, you're a big fucker..._

 **R &R~!**


	4. Broken Souls

**A/N: REVIEW FOR IT FEEDS THE ENGINE OF CREATION.**

 **Update spree, whoo.**

 **Yeah.**

 **Sorry, I'm feeling a bit...down at the moment.**

 **I really don't like to complain, but I may be going blind in my left eye. Yeah. Not fun. At all. Its not that I need glasses or anything, I just suddenly started losing vision in it. Reading has become...I guess you could say difficult at the very least, but I'm enduring despite the fact. The worse thing is its random as all hell. My eye will be fine one moment, the next I'll have trouble reading, or even able to write at that. I plan to get myself seen by a specialist, so hopefully this matter will be addressed.**

 **Writing with one eye is NOT fun and it gives you one hell of a migraine.**

 **Still, I promised to update this story-as well as This Silence is Mine-this month, and I aim to keep my promises.**

 **I refuse to go blind~!**

 **I also feel I should warn you all.**

 **This chapter delves HEAVILY into multiverse theory.**

 **Honestly, we'd never get anywhere if just one Naruto was at work here.**

 **Why else would he have the shadow clone jutsu if he's never going to use it, eh?**

 **Remember, this is meant to be a parody of a sorts, a silly, spazzy little thing to make you smile.**

 **Some might accuse me of jumping around this chapter, but I say this to them.** **Its deliberate, as well as intentional. And no, it won't happen often. I said from the outset that this story covers ALL of the Dark Souls games, and quite possibly even Bloodbourne as well. There are LITERALLY multiple Naruto's at work here. Pieces of the whole, as one might say. Even so, jumping about all willy nilly isn't something I do all that often.** **This chapter is one of those exceptions; its meant to make you laugh. To provide a bit of light in these chaotic times.**

 **So, nobody get their knickers in a twist over this.**

 **Try not to take it too seriously now, eh?**

 **And be sure to enjoy the madness!**

 **Also, took some liberty with the Dancer's appearance, considering we never see her face.**

 _"I'll only say this once. Dodge."_

 _"Wait, how does that help-_

 _CRUNCH._

 _"You didn't dodge."_

 _~?_

 **Broken Souls**

"And that's how it is. Everyone, say hello to Priscilla!"

Naruto finished his merry little tale with a small smile, grandly gesturing toward the towering form of the demigoddess looming over them. For her part, the half-breed returned the gesture with a gentle bow, careful not to scrap her head against the lower portions of the ceiling. Looking at one, might never know that she possessed the dreaded power of the Lifehunt. Or so Quelana mused. Indeed, for all her stature, this one seemed as meek as a newborn kitten. Were it not for the scythe cradled in her arms, she might have doubted the veracity of his statement altogether.

In the end, the girl's own voice sealed it.

"...it is a pleasure to meet thee."

Quelag curled her upper lip.

"And you as well."

 _Pure._

There could be no other way to describe the young hybrid in Quelana mind. From the moment she'd opened her mouth, there was power in her words, a certain strength of soul that was not immediately made evident by her harmless appearance. Hmm. So she was more than she appeared, then. Good. She'd do well here in Izalith, she noted with bitter irony. To think, she'd find herself working with the offspring of that beast! What next? An alliance with that fell Gravelord himself? No, that was folly...

Belatedly, she came back to herself and realized that the crossbreed was still speaking.

"That aside, Lord Naruto, why have you returned to that form?"

"Urk."

The blond face-palmed.

"Well, you see, I kept hitting my head, so...

"Just as well, then." Quelaag snarked, looping an arm in his. "Wouldn't do for you to get an ego on you, my _Lord."_

The poor man groaned and gesticulated wildly, to no avail.

"I keep telling you guys I'm not a lord! Good grief...

Quelana knew her dear sister took sweet satisfaction in his discomfort at being given such a laudable tittle; he disdained putting on airs. Though he might have saved her for an otherwise undeniable fate, it was simply her nature as she was. She could no more change it than she could cease breathing air. Putting his companions such as the Xanthous King Jeremiah and Black Iron Tarkus aside, nothing could be done about it. The former was content to hold his tongue and prowl the entrance for enemies rather than wait for them to make their plans. As to the latter...

Well, he spoke for himself.

"Oi, Tarkus. I'm not a lord. Besides, you made it this far without my help."

"Nonsense, my lord." the dark-clad warrior shook his helm, "I never could have made it this far without-

"Pssh!" the de-powered deity dismissed his claims with a laugh. "A wise man once told me the extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are. I aim to follow his example." a clawed hand settled upon his shoulder. "Your deeds are your own, Tarkus."

"As you say, then...

"Ah, right!" the blond tapped the edge of his zweihander against the ground. "Nearly forgot about that. We're going to cure your sister, Quelaag. Well, this version of her at any rate."

Quelaag stiffened. "You mean, Quelan...?"

"Yeah, I'm going to heal her."

Priscilla blinked owlishly.

"This version?"

"Well, I suppose multiverse theory would be too much for me to explain in one sitting." the whiskered warrior held up a finger for emphasis. "Suffice it to say that there multiple versions of me at work here. I'd never get anything done if there weren't. So I took a page from 'ol Gwyn's book and sliced off small pieces of my soul to do the work for me. For instance, I sent one to find the Nameless King...though I'm pretty sure he's going to get himself killed before he can do anything...

He cocked his head, as though listening to a faint, distant noise from eons away.

...I'm also fairly certain another is recruiting the Dancer as we speak."

A chorus of confused voices answered him.

"The hell's a Dancer?"

Quelaag arched an eyebrow.

 _"Pray tell, who is the Nameless King?"_

* * *

 _(...Across Space and Time...)_

* * *

Hefting the gargantuan blade, "Naruto" drove it against the ground.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

With each strike a long, mournful note echoed into the empty courtyard, each ringing louder than the last. Like a great bell, deafening all who went before it. He struck again and the hollow note reverberated deep into the night, its keening echo rising over the waning light of the moon. A sixth and final strike shook the very heavens themselves. The wind picked up, carrying the death knell into clouds, heralding his summons. A bold bolt of lightning cracked across the sky, the thunder itself shook the heavens to their very souls.

Inhaling deeply, he shouted into the raging storm:

"I seek the Nameless King! He who was forgotten! He who was forsaken! Harken to me!"

No response came.

Exhaling in annoyance, the "sliver" shook its head and raised his gaze toward the immutable clouds looming overhead. The world held its breath, mocking him. Not that he was surprised. He'd used unconventional means to get here, so it only made sense that the "boss" wouldn't appear unless otherwise provoked. Fortunately, he was the master of instigation.

"Fine. Be that way. Guess I'll have to cheat, then."

Then he spoke _his_ name. One long forsaken.

The heavens shook anew.

Naruto grinned.

"You heard me! Son of Gwyn! _Are you afraid?!"_

As though awaiting that very challenge, the clouds parted. Were one to see it, their breath would have been stolen away. A nameless shadow descended on ancient wings. T'was as beast like no other, carrying a rider of ancient glory long since forgotten. Spewing fire and fury, the King of the Storm descended. Weathered wings of forsaken feather sent master and mount screaming into the courtyard. Their violent descent shattered raw stone and undead alike, scattering any unfortunate enough to find themselves in their path. None were spared its wrath.

Dismounting, the beast's rider crashed to the earth and stood before him.

 **"WHO DARES SPEAK MY NAME?!"**

His very voice shook the world.

Naruto looked up.

Up again.

And up.

 _Up._

"Well damn, you're a big fucker...don't suppose you'd be willing to talk?"

The Nameless King snarled and hefted his weapon.

 **"No."**

Needless to say, "this" sliver of Naruto died in short order.

* * *

 _(...Even Further Across Space and Time...)_

* * *

 _"Oh, you poor unfortunate soul."_

The Dancer blinked.

She no longer possessed a mind in the conventional sense of the word, only the tattered remains of one. Had she been possessed of her senses, the Dancer might have blinked. Her neck craned toward the voice, her back arching. At first, she saw nothing. Naught but the empty church that was her domain. Languid limbs stretched out in confusion, idly sweeping her foremost blade across the floor. Nothing stirred in the shadows. Baffled, her helmeted head turned left, then right, sending her shroud dancing behind her back. She couldn't see them. Not at all.

Still, she retained her instincts and they were screaming at her.

 _RUN._

He appeared quite suddenly, stepping out from behind a ruined pillar.

"Yo!"

Standing before her in the ruins of the church, the intruder flashed a smile and planted his zweihander into the ground between them.

His shadow seemed to loom long before her, despite their difference in stature.

One monster to another.

She appeared an abomination to some, a towering, lanky being that more closely resembled her master, Pontiff Sulyvahn, than the other beastly armored knights corrupted by him. Human-like only in that she stood upright instead of crawling on all fours, she shambled forward at him with deceivingly slow steps. The intruder wasn't fooled by the act; the moment she riposted in an attempt to cut him down, he raised a hand. She expected to cut through it with ease, to rend flesh and bone as she did all things living and undead.

Instead she found her assault stalled.

Against a single finger.

"Hey, now." the blond drawled. "Is that any way to treat your guest?"

Repulsed by his strength, the Dancer slid away, eyeing him with wary contempt.

"So, I'm guessing you're the Dancer of the Boreal Valley." humming, the blond pushed himself upright, leaning against his mighty blade as one would a tree. "You poor thing. Just what the hell happened to you? No, wait. Don't wanna know, in that case. Sulyvahn probably did this to you, right? Anyhow, the name's Naruto, and, well...can you talk?"

The Dancer no longer possessed the means to speak coherently, but she read the pity in his voice all the same.

She loathed pity.

Despised it.

 _"Grrngh!"_

"Oi!"

Shrieking a wordless scream she struck out at him in a glaze, a flaming blade seeking the blond's head. It slammed down on empty air as the intruder stepped aside, causing her to miss by the narrowest of margins. Dust and debris erupted into the air, momentarily concealing her prey from view. Shadows danced like fireflies in the gloom and with a roar, the Dancer ripped her weapon free. The shattered remnants of her mind shrieked out a song of discord, demanding his death. No! No, no, no! She didn't want to think! Didn't want to remember! She wanted to forget! If she remembered then the pain would come back and if the pain came _back-_

Pain blazed against her right heel and her leg collapsed, unable to support her weight.

"Ya sure you wanna do that? Wouldn't want an arrow to the knee _...oops."_

In a single hit, her health plummeted to a mere fourth.

Crying out in pain, she buckled to the ground.

Still, the voice mocked her.

"See, I warned you."

 _'Shut up shut up shut up shutupshutupshutup!'_

Screaming at him, the Dancer dragged her secondary weapon free from its sheathe and lashed out in a fit, spinning into the dust with abandon. She slashed at him again and again, and again, desperate to drown out her thoughts even as they struggled to surface. A sudden and startled grunt informed her she'd struck something. In the same instant the armor on her dominant arm buckled and her flame-sheathed blade found itself shorn from her hand to be cast aside into the gloom. Heedless of the danger she forced all of her weight onto her good leg and pivoted with her remaining weapon, slashing out into the shadows she assumed her prey must be lurking in.

She was rewarded for her faith.

It did not end the way she had intended.

Instead of eviscerating the talkative intruder as she intended, her shadowy sword inexplicably met its sheathe in a wall of towering flame. The inferno devoured the blade, the hand holding it, and the rest of her. Shrieking in dismay, the Dancer attempted to extricate her weapon, only to burn alongside it for her efforts. Tendrils of twisted Chaos clawed their way through her veins like a mad beast; tearing her warped body asunder, stitching her back together in grotesque ways, only to rip her apart all over again. Still, she struggled. It was all she could so. Even as she burned alive in the pillar of shadow and flame, she fought on.

In her miserable state, it was all she could do.

Through the fire and the flames she saw him emerge.

"I'll try to make the quick," he promised. "Boss wants me to go easy on you. So if you'd just surrender...?"

Smoldering, Dancer lurched at him with a growl, only to yelp as he stepped forward to meet her charge and thrust a black sprite into her chest. Then he snapped his fingers. Her world upended in an instant; her armor, once bound to her hide, skewed away and she found herself falling. Yet not fading. Her lanky body fell inward on itself, shrinking. The fire that had once so greedily consumed her sundered soul guttered and died with a disappointed sigh. All the while a distant part of her was aware of the transformation taking place. As if she'd been stretched out by the Pontiff's machinations and was only now assuming her true shape. The Dancer did not possess the means to fight back, let alone resist.

It did not stop her from screaming.

Distantly, she felt him take the ring from her.

"Easy, now." Naruto's voice rose over the noise. "Just let it happen."

Bones shifted and realigned themselves excruciatingly as her body reclaimed its true shape after decades of agony. The twisted corruption fled from her even as she struggled against it. Her twisted helm and veil tumbled away from her visage, exposing dark eyes set with fair face-if a tad gaunt from the years of hollowing-in its shadowy confines. Even as she curled inward on the ground, her skin assumed a healthy shade. Freed from the helmet, a curtain of silver hair tumbled down her back, pure as the driven snow.

Restored fingers twitched, closing around nothing.

Her hunched back snapped back into place.

And then it was done.

"Ah, there we go." the intruder hummed. "Feeling better?"

A pall fell over the room.

It took the Dancer a handful of seconds to realize she could think again. One might have expected relief in that guard. Perhaps peace, even. Closure. Quite the opposite. She would've been content to linger in madness, to remain as the beast she'd become. To foist the burden of sanity on her, to thrust a face upon a monster who'd long since lost theirs...this was too much. Too cruel, even for her. For someone so large, so tall, her mind was a small, fragile thing. It didn't matter that she loomed over her tormentor in this form-indeed, one might compare her current height to that of a certain crossbreed-she cared not a wit for it. Any of it.

As such, her first words were most unexpected.

"What have you done?"

"Eh?" the blond tilted his head, gazing up at her. "What do you mean? I saved you...I think?"

"Saved?" she croaked in disbelief.

No.

 _No, no, no!_

She didn't want to think.

Frantic, she clawed at her face.

"No, no! I don't want...I can't...go away...!"

Desperate, she rounded on him. "Change me back!"

Strong hands, closed around his shoulders and shook him viciously.

"Oi, now! Just calm down and-

"CHANGE ME BACK!"

 _"I can't!"_

Sanity and sense came rushing back to fill the void vacated by her bestial instincts, and her mind blanked. Memories rushed in, slipping between her fingers even as she struggled to push them away. Years of torment. Of ruin. Being sullied at Sulyvahn's hand, then, when he grew tired of her body, thrown away to become a monster. The slow degradation of her mind, culminating in the beast she had become. The faceless horror. Her mind recoiled from it rejected everything. All of it, all of this. Her mind threatened to fracture again and thrust her back into the abyss. She almost welcomed it. She wanted-needed!-it to stop, wanted the hurt to go away, no, she would _make it go way-_

A pair of strong arms closed around her head before she could harm herself.

"Hey, its alright. You're okay. Just breathe...

Sobbing, the Dancer clutched at him.

Buried her head in his chest.

"It hurts...make it stop...

 _She lay that way for a very long time._

 **A/N: Jeez, got a little dark there towards the end, eh?**

 **Well, now! Weren't expecting this, were you?!**

 **Sorry if its short, but the second half is coming sooner than you think!**

 **What can I say, I like to be unconventional.**

 **I had a blast writing the Dancer and the Nameless King, and thanks to those who helped me! You all know who you are! This chapter was focused more on them than most, but we'll finally get some world-building as well as some character focused bits as of next chapter. Especially when one considers poor Tarkus was originally meant to perish in Anor Londo. Not today, I say! Narut may hop around a bit during his travels, but he certainly enjoys the chaos it causes.**

 **So let's clarify!**

 **Naruto's "party" presently consists of:**

 **The Xanthous King Jeremiah.**

 **Priscilla the Crossbreed.**

 **Black Iron Tarkus.**

 **The Dancer.**

 **Quelaag.**

 **Prscilla.**

 **Y'know, I kinda feel bad for Ornstein and Smough...**

 **...oh, wait. No, I don't!"**

 **See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **(Possible Previews!)**

 _"Oh, Sulyvahn..._

 _The priest turned pale._

 _...Yorshka sends her regards._

* * *

 _"You...I...how did...?!"_

 _"Have a nice flight, Lautrec!"_

* * *

 _...I don't suppose I can offer anything in my defense?"_

 _"No."_

 _And he dropped him._

* * *

 _"Ah, you seek the dark, then?"_

 _"Nope, just chaos. And the waifu."_

 _...I've never heard that word before."_

 **R &R~!**


	5. Don't Touch That!

**A/N: ASK AND YE SHAL RECEIVE!**

 **REVIEW FOR IT FEEDS THE ENGINE OF CREATION~!**

 **Update spree, whoo.**

 **Yeah.**

 **Sorry, I'm feeling a bit...down at the moment** **...no, that isn't a pun. I genuinely feel like crap as I write this author's note.**

 **Have you ever woken up angry?**

 **One of those mind-numbing, overpowering rages where you just want to hit the 'ol punching bag until you can't feel your arms any more? A cold rage, not directed toward anyone or anything mind you, one you don't even understand? I'm h** **aving one of those right now. And I don't even know WHY.** **Miiiiiiight be losing my mind.**

 **Hmm.**

 **Semantics, I suppose.**

 **Sanity is overrated anyway.**

 **Long story short, I need dental work done, and my insurance doesn't want to cover it. Root canals, crowns, that sort of thing. In other words? I'm forced to pay out of pocket, which means I'm going to be out a few thousand dollars assuming I can even scrape together that kind of money. Have to pay up front too, or they won't even TOUCH my teeth. Well, I'm sure you've been there and done that before dear reader, so I won't ask for sympathy. I take damn good care of my teeth, but there it is, there they are, and it needs doing.** **Recently had my hours cut at work so there's that, too.**

 **I've been trying to make updates more frequent but the pain's getting downright distracting at this point and affecting my work. Nothing's infected mind you, but it still hurts like hell.**

 **Just wanted to apologize for that, there.**

 **Don't worry, I'll find a way through this somehow.**

 **Not sure if this'll get a lot of views or reviews, given all the holiday madness is going on at the moment.**

 **Eh, screw it.**

 **Remember, don't treat this story rationally.**

 **Think of it what you will; a parody, a crack fic, or even a hybrid.**

 **Try not to dwell on it too much. After all, you might drive yourself insane~!**

 **Again, I own no references, quotes, or homages to other media. But you all already know that by now...**

 **SPOILERS** **FOR DARK SOULS 3 AHOY!**

 **Sorry if its short, but something is better than nothing, no? The pain's really getting to me...**

 _"You touched it didn't you."_

 _...in my defense, I wasn't expecting...that."_

 _"See, that's the problem with you protagonists! Touch, touch, TOUCH! Touch the painting scrap, touch the chalice, touch the egg! You always have to touch the ONE thing you shouldn't! You know what? You're fired! Fired, fired, FIRED! You're not allowed to touch anything anymore! Do you hear me?! NO TOUCHIE!"_

 _~?_

 **Don't Touch That!**

Filianore _awoke._

Looking back, that should've been her first warning.

After all, she who slept for the sake of others, had never been meant _to_ wake.

Yet wake she did; with this, so too did her restless and neverending dream finally cease at last.

Like strands of fine ash woven together, so too did her consciousness gradually stir from the ceaseless abyss that had been her dream. Limbs stiff from lack of use-disuse, rather-responded slowly to her commands, pins and needles stabbing incessantly whenever she moved. Indeed, the very act of breathing threatened to become an ordeal in and of itself; it took nearly all she had merely to raise her head. Dark ringlets of shadow draped across her visage as she forced her reluctant body to obey her will. Rather than concede defeat however, her arms proved stubborn and recalcitrant, unwilling to acquiesce to her demands.

It was only with a supreme effort that the princess finally managed to master them and move at all.

A small, sleepy frown pursed her full lips as she attempted to exert herself.

Come now, surely it couldn't be _this_ hard.

"Well, I'll be damned!" a young man's rough voice whistled in high appreciation, dashing the dusty dregs of her slumber against an icy cliff of confusion. "You _are_ a big girl, ain'tcha! What is it with deities in this realm? You're even taller than Priscilla!"

Filianore froze.

What sorcery was this?

A stranger? Here? In her chambers?

Had Shira granted someone passage, then?

That certainly _sounded_ like her faithful knight, and yet...

"Sir knight!" as if to temper that very sentiment, a woman's voice rose in reproach. "I'll thank you not to speak of the Princess as such!"

"Eh? A knight, you say?" Low laughter trickled into the air like smoke roiling through wild honey. "I told you to call by my name, remember? Its Naruto. Na~ru~to. Sweetheart, I am the _furthest_ thing from a knight in this gods-forsaken place...

"Blasphemy!" the sharp crack of a spear's shaft striking stone nearly caused the half-slumbering girl to jolt back to wakefulness once more. "Lord Gwyn and his knights would never abandon us!"

"Have they not?" again came that strangely soothing voice, rubbing pleasantly against her ears. "Your city lies in ruins, my lady. Your dragon devours the dark and becomes more tainted by the day. Where are your gods now? I see them not. Only a bit of ash and a wanderer. After all, if I leaped here from the past, what does that say about your future?"

"I knew it." Shira, for that surely sounded like her knight of knights, growled just beyond her door. "It was a mistake to bring you here, heretic!"

"Not at all. I would've found my way here eventually, with or without your help. Still, you prayed for salvation, and so here I am. Is that not the duty of the gods?" once more those strange dulcet tones soothed her ragged nerves, dripping with sarcasm. "As long as you don't let _ashes_ over there touch anything, I'll uphold my end of the bargain. Really, I'm already cheating by jumping to this timeline in the first place, but what's the point in having unlimited power if you can't abuse the living hell out of it?"

It was as if a play were unfolding before her in the dark, a poignant drama that the young woman couldn't bring herself to understand.

Filianore longed to open her eyes and witness it, they were just so heavy...

 _...eeek!"_

Her limbs-spiteful creatures that they were!-chose that moment to fold beneath her like moldy wood; sending her tumbling forward against her bed with an undignified yelp. Something slashed across her face as she fell, drawing a hot lance of pain upon her cheek even as she experienced a strange crumbling sensation in her arms. How curious.

A startled squawk swelled in her ears.

"She wakes?!"

"You touched it didn't you?! Damnit, Shira! You had one job! Why didn't you keep an eye on them?!"

"I did, sir knight! He moved!"

"Oi! Stop calling me that already!"

A new voice chimed, soft and hoarse.

...in my defense, I wasn't expecting...that."

The harsh crunch of a door slamming shut eclipsed those words.

Above them rose an exasperated snarl, a growl so bestial it had the princess shrinking inward.

"See, that's the problem with you protagonists! Touch, touch, TOUCH! Touch the painting scrap, touch the chalice, touch the egg!" Another crunch followed, this one far harsher than the last, threatening to rattle her very bones. "You always have to touch the ONE thing you shouldn't! You know what? You're fired! Fired, fired, FIRED! Ashen One my arse! Ash for BRAINS more likely! You're not allowed to touch anything anymore! Do you hear me?! NO TOUCHIE!"

A beat of awkward silence passed between the blind princess and her would-be saviors, broken only by a weak wind wailing through the room.

"To be fair," the now identified Ashen One croaked, "I didn't realize that would happen...

Naruto sighed.

"Shira?"

"Sir knight?"

"Kill 'em, please."

"As you wish, sir knight."

"And _stop_ calling me sir knight, for crying out loud!" the man clicked his tongue. "Jeez, now its gonna be even harder to save your precious princess."

Save?

Filianore frowned blearily.

Oh. Did she require a rescue of some sort?

This time there cold be no denying the telltale sound of violence around her; she clearly detected the movement of her favored knight; heard her surge forward, a battle cry leaping from her lips. So too did she hear the Ashen One draw their blade, to no avail. Weapons met with a dull clang, then that warped spear hammered through armor to find flesh beneath. Something warm and wet spattered up to touch her toes, eliciting a slight flinch from the blackette. But her true fear stemmed from the sudden peal of laughter that chased down the intruder's demise.

 _"Back to the beginning you go!"_

Filianore felt her ears perk up as the faintest sucking sound registered against her senses, punctuated by what could only be called an exasperated hiss. When it finally abated, silence rushed back in to enfold the void left behind. Still her eyes refused to obey her and the darkness tightened its grasp upon her vision. Honestly, it had begun to annoy her. Surely she wasn't that weak...? Nor had she been rendered blind, surely. She would've recalled such a harrowing experience and surely there would be at least _some_ pain...

"Oh, right. She probably can't see us in her current state. Let me fix that."

All at once, the gift of sight returned to Filianore.

Through bleary orbs she glimpsed a solitary figure, a shadow of movement undefined.

Gradually her vision resolved enough to distinguish shapes and colors; first the telltale form of Shira, her smooth face pensive with worry, one hand clutching at her misshapen spear. Even now the weapon still simmered with bits of bloodied ash, a poignant reminder of its latest victim. Then she noticed the intruder; rather, the strange state of his armor. Such colors! She hadn't seen such festive attire in age.

 _...how quaint.'_

A small dreamy part of her still rooted in slumber wondered if he was a traveler of some sort. Oh! Mayhap a jester brought by Shira? Perhaps he had tales to tell! Truly it would be gloriously diverting to hear a story of the outside world. Anything was better than the dull, aching boredom that assailed her in her every waking moment.

Perhaps sensing that, the young man turned.

Blue eyes met hers and thinned in a warm genuine smile.

"And so the sleeping beauty stirs at last." their owner hummed. "Did you sleep well, princess?"

...I...yes." she managed. "Thank you."

His forward way of speaking drew a slow, sleepy blink from Filianore. Beautiful? She wasn't used to being addressed as such. Father certainly hadn't, she thought bitterly. Even her siblings seldom referred to her as such. Yet there was a strange, almost rustic charm to his words. As she looked hand-so much smaller than her own-reached forward to grasp her right hand from where it lay draped over the bed. In a single deft movement-indeed, before she could think to stop him-he delivered it to his lips in a gentle kiss.

 _That_ jolted her back to reality.

With a start the princess jerked her hand away, more out of instinct than any real rejection on her part. A slow, insidious flush crept up the back of her neck and into her cheeks as she gazed down at the knight-suitor?-who in turn met her gaze evenly with those placid azure orbs. Strange, he seemed almost...familiar.

"Who art thou?" she inquired, regarding him curiously.

In response, Shira groaned.

"Now you've done it."

Before the princess could think to ask her knight what she'd meant by that most curious response, the blond began to snicker. It was a sharp and wild thing; full of madness, yet also mirth. A gentle chuckle, edged with equal parts joy and sorrow both. Doubling over the whiskered warrior clutched at his sides with one arm and furtively clamped a hand over his mouth with the other. Sharp teeth sank into his lower lip, shoulders physically shaking as he fought to control himself. To no avail. Without warning his head snapped back and he belted out a full-throated laugh. Shrieking, he tumbled to the floor, armored boots kicking frantically at the air as both women looked on. Really, Filianore found herself a touch concerned.

"Art thou alright...?"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" he wheezed! "That never gets old!"

Wiping a mirthful tear from his eye, he climbed his feet and sketched a low bow.

"In a word...chaos." he beamed up at her. "Someone who meddles where he shouldn't. But you? _You_ can call me Naruto."

 _"Ass."_ Shira muttered aside.

The blond rounded on her with a faux-pained expression.

"You wound me madam! After all we've been through! I thought we had something!"

The knight absolutely _hissed._ "We've known each for all of five minutes you insipid piece of dark!"

"Ahhhh," Naruto purred, eyes dancing with mirth, "And what _fine_ minutes they were! I'll never forget them as long as I live!"

Pale hands tightened upon the haft of her weapon.

"I...you...if it weren't for her...!"

Well. This was certainly proving to be diverting experience. Rare was the day Filianore had seen her knight so flustered in the presence of another being; even Midir himself was incapable of provoking such a...sustained reaction from her ever-faithful companion. _My_ that was an alarming shade of red. Why, she looked all of a moment from lopping his head clear off!

Slightly taken aback by the strange proceedings unfolding before her, she dared a question:

"Pray tell, what brings thee here, sir Naruto?"

That smile inched further upward.

"Call it...a quest."

...hmm?"

Shaking off the last fetters of sleep, the princess drew herself up on trembling limbs and prepared herself to speak with the authority befitting one of her station. A thorn of memory pricked her and held her back at the last moment. Why _had_ she been asleep? She felt so terribly weak...

"I'm afraid I don't understand." she murmured, laying a hand upon her forehead to stifle a sudden spell of dizziness. "Why was I...?"

She was well aware of how she must appear, indeed to a commoner's eye the princess remained well aware of just how imposing she must seem; a large, fair-skinned maiden with very long dark hair clad in white. These long robes sheathed her slender body like an ancient shroud, her head bearing a gray crown around her forehead. Cradled in her arms she embraced a cracked shell resembling an egg even as she rested eternally upon her dais. And why should she not? After all, her slumber was for the sake of others-

Oh.

Oh, no.

No, no, no!

Realization crashed down around her ears in a scalding wave, jolting the princess back to reality. Fear gripped her heart; an iron vice that threatened to quash what little sanity remained in her heart of hearts. The dream! Her slumber! Their world! She mustn't be awake! If she was that could only mean...!

Breath hitched in her throat, struggling against words that wouldn't come.

Hyperventilating, she glanced about her room, only now comprehending the enormity of what she'd done. Her mind panicked, rioting against the reality unfolding before her very eyes. Her room...no...not only her room, but the world itself...she'd killed it.

 _'My fault...all my fault...!'_

"Nope, nope, nope! Just calm down!"

Truly her stricken expression must've shone through; because Naruto immediately rushed forward to steady her. Well, as much as one could steady someone several times their height. Still, the gesture rooted her for a moment-a silver of a second, enough for a third party to intervene.

For _him_ to intervene.

"Easy, there. You've been asleep for...well." a grimace strained Naruto's fine features, "Awhile, really. But its alright!" hastily, he soothed her when panic roared back to life in those dark orbs. "I fixed it! You're not going to die!"

Her heart lurched threateningly against her breast.

"Die...?" Filianore croaked.

"Well, your old man's a bit of an asshole so I've taken it upon myself to right some of his...mistakes." the whiskered warrior confided in her aside. "Took a bit of of dimension hopping, but you're next on the list. Came straight her after dropping the Dancer off back in Izalith." he paused, as if that remark should hold weight with her. Hope you're happy with that. I had to bend the rules a bit to get here. Also, _still_ bending them to keep you alive. Thanks would be appreciated."

Her mouth worked wordlessly. "How...?"

"Simple!" A lone digit rose in elucidation, "The moment you began to stir I "suspended" your animation, so to speak. Then I duplicated it. Afterwards, I transferred the nonessential functions to another fluctlight and linked it to your subconsciousness. From there it was simply a matter of leaving the copy to die while you remained, thereby tricking the system that governs this world. Pretty ingenious if I say so myself. Learned it from dealing with the Counter Force way back when. Also, stole a bit of tech from Sword Art Online, but don't tell them that."

...I'm afraid I didn't understand you just now, good sir."

"Fair enough." her savior shrugged. "In short, I fucked reality to keep you alive. You're welcome! Speaking of reality...this one's about done. Best we get going before a certain someone realizes what just happened."

A dull roar in the distance answered him; as she looked on her ally visibly paled.

"Speak of the devil. Time go!"

As if to echo those very words, the very air seemed to ripple behind Naruto's back. No, perhaps ripple wasn't the right word. The very air behind him inexplicably _parted_ down the middle, as though it had been cleaved in twine by a peerless blade of wondrous make to reveal the light beyond. Beyond that searing expanse of white she glimpsed warm lava glow, framed by strange rock formations she couldn't recognize. A city of some sort? No, not a city, but ruins, framed in eerie crimson light. Yet she sensed life from within. Beautiful, primal.

"What madness is this...?"

 _"Your_ madness, that's what." Naruto chirped. "In you go!"

Before Shira could react to this sudden miracle the blond turned, took hold of her by the wrist, and flung the knight through the gleaming portal headfirst. She vanished with little more than a startled squawk, swallowed whole by the singularity in the blink of an eye. Aghast, Fillianore shrank back from the sudden sight, gaze flitting about the room for an escape. She immediately came to regret that poor decision.

For in turning her gaze, she glimpse the ruined world beyond.

That rotting, endless expanse of sand, interposed by sundered stone.

In doing so she glimpse a red, hooded figure cresting a nearby dune. A nameless sense of dread seized her as she gazed upon him. From such a distance she could discern precious little of their hunched figure, that long, unkempt beard dangling low to the ground, their hunched posture shuffling slowly, relentlessly forward. At the sight of her, however, it went still.

Terribly, perilously still.

Then that dark gaze rose to meet hers.

It lifted a pitted greatsword at her, howled in challenge.

Twisted feet shuffled forward steadily, devouring the distance between them.

"Ho?" the voice of the jester-Naruto!-rose behind her with a soft laugh. "Looks like he found us."

"Who?" Trembling, she turned her gaze back to face him, almost dreading what she might find waiting there.

Blue eyes narrowed to intent slits.

 _"Gael."_

If the sight of Filianore had been enough to reactivate this shattered shell of a man, then the sudden presence of Naruto beside her stirred it into a frenzy like never before. Like some sort of fell beast it clamored forward on all fours, uncaring of the unsightly mess it made. Her weak legs chose that moment to betray her-not again!-and she collapsed with a gasp, clutching at her throat in fear. This. This was death. She knew not what told her this, but somehow, the certainty remained and she knew; knew the moment that shell of a man reached her, she would undoubtedly die again.

"You...you're not going to let him in here, are you?" the words tumbled tremulously from her lips. "Surely not."

Naruto didn't respond.

Filianore trembled.

"S-S-Sir knight?"

Still it came.

 _"Naruto?"_

Howling, screaming, cursing everyone and everything for its pitiful existence, still it came. She could hear his laboring breaths, that twisted cough. Faster now, nearly tripping over itself in its haste to reach them, dragging its blade behind him like some great leaden weight. Too late she saw that mangled arm arc backward, too late she realized the former knight was about to pounce. A single bound carried him forward with explosive speed, and the foul stink of rotting flesh flooded her nose. Hideous eyes twisted by Dark burned out at her from within its hood, and for a moment, she pitied his shattered existence...even as he prepared to snuff out her own.

"Jester?" the princess swallowed thickly, tears welling unshed in her wide eyes.

Then that arm snapped forward, hurling the blade towards her head.

 _"NARUTO!"_

Steel met flesh and the former yielded. Clenched knuckles barreled into the brown sword from below, wrenching it and its master bodily aside even as a knee roared up into Gael's face from below, launching him away at breakneck speed. Caught unprepared the slave knight caromed off a sundered wall and tumbled outside, flailing through the the dunes like a broken top, head over heels. He'd scarcely risen before another blow found his skull, slamming him back half a step more. A fourth cratered his chest entirely, sending the towering warrior toppling backwards into the ash with a wheeze.

"Right!" Naruto clapped his hands together happily, "There we are. Now, then!"

To her disbelief, that seemingly harmless jester laughed no longer.

Instead an armored hand rose, palm upturned towards her.

"Come with me if you want to live."

Behind him, Gael's body stirred.

 _"Oh, for the love of..._

 **A/N: Didn't expect that, did you?**

 **I apologize in advance for any grammar errors here; I'm not at my best with this pain distracting me. But! I'm nothing if not stubborn, so an update ye shall have! If you think about it, we really do touch a lot of stuff we shouldn't in Dark Souls. I always found that funny. Ooh, a chalice? Imma touch it. Oh, a giant egg! Imma touch it. Really, its almost funny. In a sense we, the main character have as much potential to be the antagonist as we do the protagonist.**

 **And yes, Naruto LOVES hopping through time. He even sent the Ashen One back to their last active bonfire in a fit of pique.**

 **Gael fight IS NOW and I've got plans for that beast that require my full attention.**

 **So let's clarify!**

 **Naruto's "party" presently consists of:**

 **The Xanthous King Jeremiah.**

 **Priscilla the Crossbreed.**

 **Black Iron Tarkus.**

 **The Dancer.**

 **Filianore.**

 **Quelaag.**

 **Prscilla.**

 **Shira.**

 **Y'know, I kinda feel bad for his enemies.**

 **...oh, wait. No, I don't!**

 **See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **Don't worry, we'll get to the FULL Ornstein and Smough bit eventually. Kinda want to devote an entire chapter to that fight...preferrably when I'm not WRITHING in pain.**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **Potential ones, at any rate.**

 **(Possible/Altered Previews!)**

 _For his part the blond simply swept past them all._

 _Moving to a larger chamber in the rear._

 _"Now, lets get to it, shall we?"_

 _Quelana paused at the threshold, considering the Knight of Thorns._

 _Though his face lay hidden behind his prickly helm, the man's posture was unmistakable. His barbed blade lay at his feet as though he'd cast it down, his armored hands biting deeply into his greaves. He must've been waiting near the lift when Naruto worked his magic-now there was a question that needed answering-on her dear sister and freed her from the chaos. He must've seen everything. The way she threw herself at him. The laughter. The tears. She didn't blame the poor man for being morose. All that work he'd done. All the humanity he'd gathered. Now for naught._

 _Helm or not._

 _She knew that expression._

 _It was the look of a broken heart._

 _In another life, she might have taken his side._

 _But that power...no. She'd made her choice long ago._

 _Naruto's ability...it could fix everything. It could restore Izalith._

 _No, not just Izalith. Perhaps...perhaps, perhaps it could even restore..._

 _"Now, then!" the blond's voice jerked her back to reality all at once, like a red hot poker. "I've assembled the lot of you here for one reason, and one reason only. Well, I could say its to break the game, but that goes without saying, doesn't it?"_

 _"And how do you propose that, Lord?"_

 _Naruto grinned._

 _Rows of sharpened teeth were revealed._

 _Indeed, it was not a pleasant thing, that smile._

 _"We're gonna walk right through the front door, of course._

* * *

 _The Pontiff stilled._

 _"You dare?"_

 _"Oh, trust me, I've dared FAR worse."_

* * *

 _"Pray tell, what is your purpose here?"_

 _"Eh, chaos and waifu. Mostly waifu, if we're being honest."_

 _Filianore blinked rapidly, tilted her head in quiet consternation. "Waifu?"_

 _Shira palmed her face to smother a soft groan. "Best if you don't ask, m'lady."_

* * *

 _Click._

 ** _...rrngh?"_**

 _Artoria's head snapped toward the sound with a wordless snarl._

 _Slowly the fog shifting, that impenetrable barrier making way for the intruder._

 _"Eaaaaaaasy there big guy." an armored arm rose. "I just want to talk-OHGODHEREHECOMES!"_

* * *

 **R &R~!**


	6. Pride Before the Fall (Interlude)

**A/N: ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!**

 **REVIEW FOR IT FEEDS THE ENGINE OF CREATION~!**

 **Author's note is much the same, so feel free to disregard it.**

 **Blah blah blah life is miserable, I feel like shit, considering ending it all at times, that sort of thing. Nothing beyond the pale mind you, but that's the about the state of my head these days. Life has been...less than kind as of late, you could say.**

 **Bah!**

 **Enough about me, you didn't come here to listen to an old-timer whine and whinge, you came to be entertained and entertain I shall!**

 **Now onto your questions!**

 **Five should do:**

 **Q: You oughta play Sekiro. You're gonna have a bad time.**

 **A: Did, but I can't make it past the last boss. Wrote a story about that, too. Give it a read if you like. I think its the first true Naruto/Sekiro crossover story out there, bar a challenge.**

 **Q: Are you...alright?**

 **A: Haven't been for a long time, but that's beside the point. I'll manage somehow.**

 **Q: What kind of hijinks can we expect here?**

 **A: ALL THE THINGS!**

 **Q: Update you Fate stories already, damnit!**

 **A: No need for foul words. I'm working on them, but the chapters are MASSIVE and it takes time to write. Worry not, they're coming!**

 **Q: Please stop writing your fucking crossovers. They make me sick. You're polluting the genre.**

 **A: We'll aren't you nice~!**

 **As ever this story is very much a crack ficlet, not meant to be taken too seriously, but rather, to make you smile.**

 **Seem to be focusing a lot on boss battles these days, but I suppose that's because they're so FUN to write!**

 **So here, an interlude for you lot while I contemplate the meaning of life.**

 **Sorry if this is so short, but I'm still sick...**

 **And obvious references are obvious.**

 _"TRAINING BEGINS NOW!"_

 _~?_

 **Pride Before the Fall (Interlude)**

 _Filianore found herself among gods._

Well, the closest semblance to gods remaining in this warped/wretched world, she supposed.

And at the edge of Izalith itself at that!

They were an eclectic sort to be sure; a band of rogues and miscreants brought together under one banner here in Quelaag's Domain, united by the madness of one man, all brought here to this table. She'd never seen the like before. Witches and undead alike allied in common cause, hybrids and fell monsters followed by those who had once been something _far_ worse. There was the infamous Knight of Thorns near the northern end, sullenly maintaining a silent yet stubborn vigil over two Daughters of Izalith even as a forsaken king and a knight in black iron discussed matters of strategy with a towering half-breed nearly Filianore's own height.

In Shira's absence she felt like a stranger amongst them, dwarfed despite her towering stature, especially in the presence of the one called Quelaag and her lone sister.

No.

Wait.

She told a lie.

There was a _third_ Daughter of Izalith there at the southern end of the table, under close scrutiny by an individual Naruto had only loosely referred to as a Dancer of some sort. Such a strange profession. Whatever her true name was-or had been-she was loath to relinquish it, but kept her stubborn watch on the newcomer all the same.

Filianore could not help but wonder at that.

Recently freed from the confines of her weakened body the being once known to many as the Fair Lady and Quelaag's sister, young _Quelan_ was not at all whom Filianore had been expecting. Not in the least. Paler-and perhaps somewhat frailer-than her elder sisters, the younger witch proved surprisingly lively given how close she'd been to death only hours before. Clad in a silvery dress of foreign make she flitted about the room on her new legs as though she'd been born to them, merrily striking up conversation with whomever passed within arms reach of her. How could someone so _pure_ possibly be a threat to anyone?

As if sensing that very thought, the white witch pivoted on her heel and favored Filianore with a bright smile.

When faced with such an expression, the daughter of Gwyn could only nod back shyly.

Inwardly, however, she could only curse what she perceived as her ill-luck.

 _'By the Flame she's going to come over here, isn't she?'_

Remarkably, Quelan did just that.

With a wordless wave of her own Naruto's newest ally glided toward her, swift strides devouring the distance between them in no time at all. Despite her diminutive size _-in comparison to poor Filianore who had to crouch low lest her head all but crack against the room's admittedly low ceiling!_ -the now-recovered Quelan conveyed a certain sense of presence, a sheer air of vitality that remained unmatched by all present. She was open in all things, where others closed their hearts, she wore hers on her sleeve. Perhaps she'd always been this way and Naruto's healing simply brought out the extrovert in her. Perhaps not.

Whatever the case, the young goddess found herself quite at a loss for words when the young witch flung herself into her lap.

"Wow, you really are comfortable~!" she hummed.

Filianore jerked upright with a yelp, feeling as if someone had thrust a burning brand against her legs. Unfortunately, she only succeeded in smashing her head against the ceiling, thereby drawing all eyes to her spectacle. Needless to say that made things worse. As the youngest of Gwyn's daughters she had ever been a sheltered child in her youth. Truth be told, the idea of unprovoked physical contact had always startled her, much less from a being far smaller than she!

"What art thou doing?!" flailing, she clutched at her head and shot the witch a baffled look.

If Quelaag's sister was at all discomfited by her outburst she did little to show it. "You looked lonely, dear one, so I thought I'd cheer you up."

"You thought so...?"

"Of course!" the rejuvenated witch chirruped happily, tilting her head. "What are friends for?"

Were they friends? Filianore wondered about that. She'd seldom had friends, before. Her loyal knights were steadfast of course, but with the rare exception of Shira few dared to converse with her. It wasn't as if she had anywhere else to go and these people had been terribly tolerant of her own...quirks. She still couldn't fathom how he'd managed to gather quite so many people to his side, all from different walks of life. By rights it should have been impossible. In this dying world the strong prevailed and the weak failed. Friends. Allies. The thought warmed the young woman more than words.

"I would like that...

A harsh crash captured her attention as the object of her affection suddenly came round the bend, her faithful knight Shira trailing dutifully at his heels.

"We're baaaaaaack~!"

"Oh!"

Quelan bounded upright and hastened to his side with a fey smile. Filianore let her go, quietly pleased by this turn of events. Friends. She had friends. Such a strange term. How adorably quaint.

For his part Naruto simply swept past the goddess with a jaunty wave, moving to a larger chamber in the rear.

"Right, then. Gael's been put in time out for now. So, lets get to it, shall we?"

Quelana paused at the threshold as he surged past her, considering the still-silent Knight of Thorns.

Though his face lay hidden behind his prickly helm, the man's posture was unmistakable. His barbed blade lay at his feet as though he'd cast it down, his armored hands biting deeply into his greaves. He must've been waiting near the lift when Naruto worked his magic-now there was a question that needed answering-on her dear sister and freed her from the chaos. He must've seen everything. The joy in her eyes, the way she'd all but thrown herself at him upon being freed. The laughter. The tears. She didn't blame the poor man for being morose. All that work he'd done. All the humanity he'd gathered. Now for naught.

Helm or not.

She knew that expression.

It was the look of a broken heart.

In another life, she might have taken his side.

But that power...no. She'd made her choice long ago.

Naruto's ability...it could fix everything. It could restore Izalith.

No, not just Izalith. Perhaps...perhaps, perhaps it could even restore...

"Now, then!" the blond's voice jerked her back to reality all at once, like a red hot poker. "I've assembled the lot of you here for one reason, and one reason only. Well, I could say its to break the game, but that goes without saying, doesn't it?"

Tarkus tilted his head.

"And how do you propose that, Lord?"

Naruto grinned.

Rows of sharpened teeth were revealed.

Indeed, it was not a pleasant thing, that smile.

"We're gonna walk right through the front door, of course.

* * *

 _(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

 _Ornstein did not entertain visitors._

His-and by definition Smough's as well-duty was to repel and repulse any who dared set foot here; barring that, kill them outright. Rare was the day when an intruder managed enter the inner sanctum in one piece, much less survive the subsequent onslaught that awaited within. Those choice few who'd managed to reach this room over the years were dealt with swift dispatch. None provided even the meanest modicum of challenge; they were either skewered upon his spear or crushed beneath his partner's hammer.

Anor Londo must remain safe, and they were, after all, her last bastion of defense.

Yet now the fog stirred.

He witnessed it from his perch atop the balcony and leaped down to greet it,

Smough shifted.

Rather than some shambling undead come to meddle however, he found himself face to face with...a rather unexpected visitor.

He recognized her immediately of course; he could never forget that horrid face. Behind his helm, his visage twisted into a rictus of disgust. Why was she here? Filth. Half-breed. Abomination. His spear sang in his grasp, all but keening for her death. Ornstein found himself inclined to grant its wish. Child of the dragons, creature of the abominable duke. She should have been slain long ago at his hand. That she was not stood as an affront against his very soul. And now she dared to raise her scythe against him? HIM? The gall!

"What are you doing out of your cage, creature?" he demanded. "Who released you?"

She flinched in the face of his diatribe, but otherwise did not falter.

...my purpose is my own, Lord Ornstein."

Oho? It appeared she'd found her spine since they'd last met. Brave little dragon. Fey little creature. She should never have been born, never allowed to exist. Were it not for his Lord's word he would have happily taken her head long ago, and yet now that Gwyn burned in the kiln, she thought to face him? She thought herself her equal?

Pride howled a mournful dirge in his heart.

It stirred something ugly in Ornstein.

"Then die for your purpose!"

So focused was he upon this aberration that he failed to notice her companion until it was much too late.

"TRAINING BEGINS NOW!

A pair of clenched knuckles thundered into the side of Ornstein's unprepared visage from the side, denting his mighty helm and all but flinging him across the room as though he weighed no more than a rag doll. Smough caught little more than a startled gurgle before his old partner caromed off a nearby pillar and found himself witness to the rare sight of the legendary dragonslayer lying prone upon the floor. Wide eyes turned back to the supposedly "crushed" soul that they should've dispatched only moments ago.

"Where art thou looking?!"

Then it was his turn to fly as Prisclla's scythe batted him across the floor like a mere fly.

Ornstein saw none of it.

Through a world reeling like a storm tossed sea, the knight nevertheless managed to parry the zweihander before it could take his head. Rather than rend steel the towering greatsword slammed home against the haft of his spear. Wilde blue eyes beamed back at him, set within a whiskered face framed by shaggy blond hair. In truth he looked little more than a ruffian, but the strength behind his blade proved all too real. And were those horns jutting out of his head? Perhaps he ought to lay off the Estus...?

"And who art thou?!" growling, he strove against the interloper, to no avail. "Name thyself!"

"No thanks!" the newcomer beamed. "Never much liked you, anyway. Now, then...

Beckoning, the Undead deity settled into an armed stance.

Whole and intact, he beckoned them forwards.

"To quote a legend. _..come get some."_

 **A/N: Didn't expect that, did you?**

 **I apologize in advance for any grammar errors here; I'm not at my best with this pain distracting me. But! I'm nothing if not stubborn, so an update ye shall have! If you think about it, we really do touch a lot of stuff we shouldn't in Dark Souls. I always found that funny. Ooh, a chalice? Imma touch it. Oh, a giant egg! Imma touch it. Really, its almost funny. In a sense we, the main character have as much potential to be the antagonist as we do the protagonist.**

 **And yes, Naruto LOVES hopping through time. He even sent the Ashen One back to their last active bonfire in a fit of pique.**

 **Gael fight IS NOW and I've got plans for that beast that require my full attention.**

 **So let's clarify!**

 **Naruto's "allies" presently consist of:**

 **The Xanthous King Jeremiah.**

 **Priscilla the Crossbreed.**

 **Black Iron Tarkus.**

 **The Dancer.**

 **Filianore.**

 **Quelaag.**

 **Quelana.**

 **Quelan.**

 **Prscilla.**

 **Shira.**

 **Y'know, I kinda feel bad for his enemies.**

 **...oh, wait. No, I don't!**

 **See what you can change with a few words and a bit of divinity? Always believe in yourself! I merrily enjoy the chance to save those who can be saved and butchering those who have it coming (kicking Lautrec and Patches off a fucking cliff for one) to them. Hope you guys liked it!**

 **Don't worry, we'll get to the FULL Ornstein and Smough bit eventually. Kinda want to devote an entire chapter to that fight...preferrably when I'm not WRITHING in pain.**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **Potential ones, at any rate.**

 **(Possible/Altered Previews!)**

 _"FOR THE WAIFU!"  
_

 _"Somebody smack him. Please."_

* * *

 _"Sir knight!"_

 _"Estus please..._

 _"Right, might need to leave that boss for a bit." he croaked, spitting blood. "Forgot how erratic it can be."_

 _Quelaag exhaled in a long suffering sigh._

 _"Men."_

* * *

 _Yorshka yelped._

 _"What sorcery is this?! Didst thou fly?!"_

* * *

 _...I'm gonna hate Sekiro."_

 _"Did you say something, Naruto?"_

 _"No no no, just the ramblings of a madman."_

* * *

 _"YOYOI!"_

 _...must you strike that ridiculous pose?"_

 _"Yes, we must! We shall do whatever we please!"_

 _"Stop referring to yourself as "we" already! There's only one of you!_

 _"We refuse!"_

 **R &R~!**


End file.
